Urinal Cakes Support Public Health Policy, Too!

By Norman E. Kjono, February 12, 2007

From Infowars.net, February 12, 2007, "Talking Toilets to Tell Us Right From Wrong,"   by Steve Watson:

The state of New Mexico has ordered 500 talking urinal cakes that will deliver a recorded anti-DWI message to bar and restaurant patrons who make one last pit stop before getting behind the wheel. The "Wizmark" device subjects users to a female voice reading the following script:  

'Hey there, big guy. Having a few drinks? Listen up. Think that you've had a few too many? Then it's time to call a cab or ask a sober friend for a ride home. It sure is safer and a hell of a lot cheaper than a DWI. Make the smart choice tonight. Don't drink and drive. Remember, your future is in your hand.'

Click here for the audio. The state Transportation Department plans to distribute them to Santa Fe bars and restaurants as well as establishments in Farmington, Gallup and Las Cruces."

That was such an important tidbit of public information it was covered in a February 10, 2007 broadcast by KOAT 7.   KOAT reported, in part:

"SANTA FE -- New Mexico has taken its fight against drunken driving to men's restrooms around the state. The state has ordered 500 talking urinal cakes that will deliver a recorded anti-DWI message to bar and restaurant patrons who make one last pit stop before getting behind the wheel. The top of the devices feature the state DWI slogan - 'You drink, you drive, you lose.' . . . The state spent $21 for each talking urinal cake for the pilot program but will ask bars and restaurants to pay for future orders if the idea catches on." (Underline, italic added.)  

Anti-tobacco activists nationwide should immediately go to the manufacturer's Wizmark.com Web site and read the Marketing and Promotional  page. There's gotta be an opportunity in this new high-tech gadget. Notable among the Healthquest Technologies, Inc.   gadget's marketing advantages are: 

 ". . . each and every viewer is a potential consumer who's eyes cannot deviate from, nor be able to avoid in any way, an undistracted and focused viewing of your attention getting original and unique promotional ad or message" and;

"Targeting your audience can be half the battle in marketing. Considering the unique placement of you ad, Wizmark will be the perfect media format for each and every male oriented promotion utilizing your own audible high quality 10-15 second pre-recorded promotional message." 

According to information provided via link in an October 13, 2004 article by British The Register, the company has already developed a message about "Just Say No" to drugs. Country Music Television (CMT) reportedly uses them to advertise it programs. 

Seattle tobacco control czar Roger Valdez should immediately contact the company and inquire about adding a smoke detector to the device. Tobacco control advocates are already comfortably-accustomed to "Targeting" citizens, so it should be a simple matter to apply this technology. Hapless men who stand at a bar urinal with a cigarette in their mouth while droppin' their zippers could be greeted with Valdez now-infamous January 18, 2006 pronouncement, as reported by Phil Dawdy in the Seattle Weekly's article "Big Nanny is Watching You:"   

"Americans think they have a lot of rights they really don't have. Smoking is one of those things where people think they have the right to smoke, but you don't. . . . You have no right to smoke. . . . The condo association can ban it, and you have no legal recourse."

The preceding can be read aloud in the proscribed 15 seconds or less. Perhaps Washington Secretary of Health Mary Selecky could simper a recording for the same hapless bar patron to the effect of:

"Hey, big fella, drop your wang and PUT THAT CIGARETTE OUT!" 

Implicit in the message is one will definitely NOT get lucky if they smoke and-in the off-chance the fella scores anyway-neither he nor his lady companion will be permitted to enjoy a smoke afterward. Next come mandates for personal residence potty cakes, too. 

If tobacco control gets into the Social Marketing act behind talking urinal cakes Wizmark sales should soar.

1. Tobacco control could put their mandate clout behind talking urinal cakes, for a mere 10 percent of gross revenues, just as it shares in new cigarette taxes raised by Washington's I-773 and other initiatives.

2. The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation could buy up a large position in Healthquest Technologies, Inc. and then start funding urinal cake activists, just as it has funded anti-tobacco activists for more than a decade while holding a $3 billion-plus position in the common stock of NicoDerm CQ patch manufacturer Johnson & Johnson.

3. Opportunistic politicians could assure a steady stream of special-interest campaign donations, plus multi-million-dollar Robert Wood Johnson Foundation urinal cake advocacy grants to states, by sponsoring legislation to ban "Talking Cake Free" urination in bars, just as they ban bars that are not "Smoke Free" today.

4. Talking cake advocates would soon appear before legislatures, to stridently demand public policy that mandates all bars be equipped with talking urinal cakes in the name of public health and safety, plus new excise taxes on urinal cake.

5. Soon the clarion calls for a "level playing field" begin. After all, we can't have bar owners in Anytown, USA paying mandated costs for talking urinal cakes when those in the next county do not have that required overhead, too.

6. Next come the "statistical" studies by Stanton Glantz at the University of California and "Secondhand Urinal Cake Consultant" James Repace that indisputably "prove" with "overwhelming evidence" how talking urinal cakes save lives and reduce state costs.

As the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids says in "Higher Cigarette Taxes,"   it's "a WIN, WIN, WIN solution for states." States get grants and new tax revenue, foundations that finance the activists rake in stock market profits, politicians get campaign donations, and legions of public health activists garner next year's grant.

Facing the new multi-billion-dollar nationwide Talking Urinal Cake Coalition will be individual bar owners. They won't have a clue that both the fact of mandated urinal cakes and the price they are required to pay for them are set by the coalition. They also wouldn't have a clue about the stock market profits being made out the back end of the deal. Naively, they will believe that their legitimate interests matter to state and county elected representatives.  

But there's good news, too. Rumor has it that Suzy Cake had a rather nasty argument with John Urnal about the new regulations being sexist. "You men get to broadcast your Social Marketing messages in men's bathrooms, but women are denied equal opportunity to do so," she reportedly screamed during a coalition meeting. John is working on a compromise mandate. 

Next comes the call for separate, walled-off unisex restrooms in bars. Preliminary draft legislation makes it clear that the facilities will have talking cake in the urinals and bidets. Rumor says bar owners will be required to pay for that construction before business licenses can be renewed. 

Taking a leak used to be a rather peaceful, private affair. Can you imaging the din of urinal cakes screaming their anti-tobacco, anti-beer-drinking messages against the background of Country Music Television ads? 

Next they will mandate permitted decibel levels for Social Marketing and corporate advertising talking cakes.   

Norman E. Kjono

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