James Leavey's Corner
Bogart Lights Up

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by James Leavey, editor, The FOREST Guide to Smoking in London
and The FOREST Guide to Smoking in Scotland

 


Write to
James Leavey
1 December 1999

FX:restaurant, chatter, knives and forks clattering 'As Time Goes By' tinkling on a piano

GAY SUPERCILIOUS WAITER:Excuse me, sir. Would you mind putting out that cigarette.

HUMPHREY BOGART:Yeah. I would.

WAITER:I'm sorry sir, but you are sitting in a non-smoking area.

BOGART:Not any more, I'm not. What do you think, Sam?

SAM, THE BLACK PIANO PLAYER(WHO STOPS PLAYING): Oh I don't want any trouble, Mr Bogart. It seems to me them non-smokers is calling the tune...

BOGART:Well you play it, Sam. And I'll smoke it. Now run along little man.

WAITER(affronted): Sir!

BOGART:And you can go and whistle for the tip. You know how to whistle don't you?

WAITER:No, sir.

BOGART:Just put your lips together... Now blow.

GAY WAITER:I know how to blow, sir. I just don't know how to whistle...

PETER LORRE:Ooh, Bogie, I don't know if this is a good idea, upsetting the management...

BOGART:Well if I've managed to upset them, it is. What do you think, cuddles?

SIDNEY GREENSTREET:You're an absolute bounder, sir, I must confess. Ha! Ha! A man after my own heart.

BOGART:I didn't think you had one.

GREENSTREET:But the fact remains, this is my restaurant, and I'd rather you didn't smoke in it.

BOGIE:And I'd rather I didn't eat in it, but the cigarette improves the taste....

FX:Piano plays: 'Smoke gets in your eyes' FADEOUT


Copyright James Leavey, 1999. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission from the Author.


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