April 27, 2007 [02:15 GMT] - They tell you how to live. Why not tell you how to die? – Yes, if you smoke you will die.  And when you die you will be “liberated” from your “addiction”.  Finally you can be cremated and gloriously turned into smoke.  WRONG – and coherent, for a change.  After spending a life being forbidden from smoking by pyrophobic fanatics, how can you be allowed to turn to smoke after your death?

Here comes the latest “expert” junk scientists to tell us just that: cremation increases global warming!  No-no, don’t laugh yet, read this through:

“…The [cremation] practice contributed to global warming. … people could instead choose to help the environment after death by being buried in a cardboard box under a tree. … Why waste all that carbon dioxide on your death? “ — Statistical references cannot be missing, of course — “...the cremation of the average male in Australia, during which the body is heated to 850 degrees Celsius (1,562 degrees Fahrenheit) for 90 minutes, produced more than 50 kilograms (110 pounds) of carbon dioxide. And that doesn't include the carbon cost of fuel, or the cost of the emissions released during the production and burning of the wooden casket.”

Dr. Short and the rest of the enviro-healthists really should cremate themselves.  Once inside, recycling themselves (and their beliefs) in the sanitation system, the ecological health, not to the mention mental health, of the planet would rebound, which would benefit greatly the general public health.

January 29, 2007 [03:00 GMT] - Just in time to avert a “health disaster”, federal cavalry rescues rotund Rover - Another absurd “just say yes to drugs” story, as the FDA has announces approval of the first drug for obese dogs.

Let us ignore the fact that, generally, overweight is easily prevented in dogs by simply feeding them as the vet advises and making sure they get lots of exercise. Don’t have the time and will to take care of your pet properly? Don’t get one. But what do we know? Modern Public Health can fix every lifestyle problem with a handy pill and a quick swallow.

December 4, 2006 [19:45 GMT] - Red alert! Farts pollute more than car tailpipes! - How far are we going on the path opened by fraudulent antitobacco propaganda! Here is a piece about the UN FAO, accusing farts of being a mayor cause of global warming. The implications are more far-reaching than what the article lets on, for the improvements suggested by the FAO will not be enough to "remedy" the situation. Why? Because for environmentalist and healthist nihilists the only valid number in the universe in zero. It is also a very safe number because it can't ever be reached - and that guarantees endless public funding, trash science production, propaganda and lots of personal gain. It is conceivable that human farts will be next. In fact, a rapid guess calculation à la multifactorial antismoking epidemiology suggests that 6 billion humans are capable of "polluting" the planet with 2.4 million cubic metres of farts each year, equivalent to over 55 million cubic metres of CO2. Add to that the production of about 130 million tons of faeces, and understanding the devastating damage we are doing becomes easy because the numbers are big! What's coming, then? Health campaigns, taxation that doubles the cost of meat, diet impositions and all kind of nagging and persecution -- and what about divorce lawsuits and fights for parental custody based on passive fart exposures? John Banzhaff should consider that immediately; and as each of us has an anus, imagine the profits! Go on, keep on thinking that we are exaggerating... that was done when, since ten years ago, we warned about smoking ban epidemics and upcoming prohibition, too - and now everybody is appalled. Why? What we said was not taken seriously to begin with. Enjoy the results and your denial: it's easier and risk-free that way.

October 16 [19:45 GMT] - Health ministry operatives believe their own therapeutic state BS - Freud’s out, crystals too – what’s a sucker gonna do? Even British health secretary Patricia Hewitt and her civil servants – even some people at Number 10, according to this report -- have embraced the new health nostrum of “life coaching” – at tax-payer’s expense! If you don’t want to take mood-altering drugs, if the traditional and largely discredited analyst’s couch seems too square, but you just have to get the buzz that comes from getting “therapy” -- you can get a life coach. And if you work for the government, maybe it’s even free! Better yet, become a life coach! At the top end, you might reel in £200 an hour helping someone to better mental, spiritual and all round health just by typing a warm, inspirational message into an email and pressing the send button. No qualifications required. Woo-hoo! So the next time someone from the British government starts rattling your cage over smoking, give them the respect they’re due … these folks are serious and credible!

October 1, 2006 [20:45 GMT] - Gore blames smoking for global warming! (more here and here from Cleating The Air) - Wacky Gore must have been smoking something – but it wasn’t tobacco. No need for any further comment: Gore speaks for himself.

August 28, 2006 [17:00 GMT] - Keith Richards public tobacco use shocker!  … and more here - Once in awhile, you can be really shocked by someone you think you know well. It’s been decades since Keith Richards (pictured right in a recent public appearance) burst onto the scene with his well-known brand of fun, clean, folksy family entertainment. So who would have dreamed that this veteran youth role model had an ugly underside? Disappointed fans in Scotland recently had the shock of their lives when “our Keith” appeared onstage smoking cigarettes. And not just one, according to reports. Of course, an investigation has been started and charges may be laid, and none too soon if we have our way. Too bad the law is so lax on this stuff. Another illusion shattered, another hero gone.

Keith Richards

April 22, 2006 - Measuring up - Trust the grant junkies in efficient Hong Kong to bore straight to the meat of the things.  While the perverts who perform the anti-tobacco alchemy of turning junk into gold touch ever so delicately on the earthshaking issue of smoking and sexuality, the researchers in Hong Kong are up front about their fascination with male genitalia. 

What nationality is hung like a horse?  The Italians of course!  Demonstrating the potency of mountains of pasta, the Italians have the longest average male member on the planet, followed closely by the Americans but far outstripping the Filipinos. 

The size study, conducted to disprove the nasty rumor that Asian men are less endowed than the lusty westerners, dealt only with flaccid penises.  More study is necessary to determine whether full erections, springing as they do from both the sausage and accordion types, erase all national insecurities.  Anti-tobacco voyeurs, send in those résumés!

March 27, 2006 - Wisps of smoke on the freeway - At some point the elite little community of Calabasas California will cease to be the butt of jokes but that day is far off as absurdities pile on absurdities as its anti-smoking law is closely examined.  The good city fathers graciously do allow smokers to smoke in their cars but only if all windows are securely shut.  Can't have any of that tobacco smoke imperil the numbskulls who live in Calabasas even though pollution from the car itself dwarfs the "pollution" created by a burning cigarette by millions to one.  Witch doctors rule in today's California.

March 1, 2006 - Tater Tots or heart attack express - Extrapolating data from Action on Smoking and Health indicates that 30 minutes of Tater Tot ingestion can cause a heart attack, even in those not at risk!  The social upheaval in eliminating these deadly treats must be stoically endured.  Beneath the absurdity there is good information about endothelial dysfunction, the heart of ASH's hysteria.

January 24, 2005 - A night at the opera courtesy of the Marx Brothers -  Picture it:  We're in Vienna and are at the Opera Ball, the highlight of the social season.  The revelers are resplendent in their evening wear, the jewels glitter and the gowns are to die for.  The socially prominent, and those hoping to climb the social ladder, lift a glass from the silver tray extended by a waiter clad in black tie, extract a cigarette from a silver case and come face to face with a medical adviser from the Austrian Chamber of Pharmacists who wags his finger disapprovingly, snatches the cigarette and replaces it with a vulgar, plastic nicotine inhaler.  

Many opera aficionados, unhappy with their city's descent into Santa Monica territory,  are demanding that the opera director, the architect of this rude smoking ban, be terminated.  Releasing the hounds on him, unfortunately, is no longer the custom but Herr Opera Director may find that his devotion to the pharmaceuticals at the expense of the generous donors is a career move that may cost him his head.

November 25, 2003 -  New York City; Sophisticates Need Not Apply -  She said no one was seen smoking when the inspectors made their unannounced visits, but that the presence of ashtrays and the absence of no-smoking signs represented a violation of the ban. The prohibition, which was instituted citywide in April, makes smoking in an office against the law.  

Beth Kseniak, a spokeswoman for Vanity Fair, would say only, "We are a no-smoking building, and we have instructed the staff to adhere to the rules." That would presumably include Mr. Carter, who did not want to discuss the matter on the telephone.

But he sent an e-mail message. "I find Mayor Bloomberg's smoking laws to be nothing short of asinine and their enforcement to be nothing short of harassment," he wrote. DAVID CARR

Once upon a time New York City was a brilliant and wonderful place. Millions of people, rich and poor, old and young, quiet and lively, lived in very different manners and ways, all together there. They got along together, because they liked being different and varied, and when their city suffered an airplane attack, they got along even better. The biggest jet airplanes in all of the world crashed into the tallest skyscraper buildings in all of New York, and burned them, and crushed them. Amidst great gray plumes of grit and smoke, as big as the city itself, and terrible cascades of concrete, and worse, the people kept calm, helped each other, and learned a great truth from shared horror. They had always loved New York, but now they knew, they loved each other. Skies cleared, and the people resolved, to go on living in greater brotherhood. Then one day an evil troll, with pockets full of hoarded gold, emerged from a hollowed-out tree in Central Park. He missed the horror in the air and wanted it back for all time. So he bought the throne to the city, and cast a fearful spell on the people, telling them they would all die, if ever the tiniest puff of smoke appeared again, in their city. Small as was the troll, he hoped the shadow of fear he cast against the city's sky, would darken it as it had never been darkened before, even from the terrible airplane attack. Then the people would never again feel bright or lively. They would become so frightened, of everything and everyone, they could not love each other anymore. But the people were too smart for the trickster troll. They called his evil reign "harassment," and said the evil troll was "asinine," then prepared to banish the nasty little troll from New York, so to make the great city brilliant and wonderful, once again, and forevermore. The end.

November 10, 2003 - Intimate Wear, Anti-smoking Style - It won't be showing up on the runways of Milan or in the boutiques on Rodeo Drive but a cutting edge turning point in haute couture was attained in the design salons in Japan.

To provide just that right note of responsible trendiness, Triumph International has unleashed intimate apparel that reeks of political correctness.  Literally reeks since the new bra line squirts a fragrance that aids the responsible woman in her quest for excellent health.  Lavender, jasmine and other sweet odors emanating from the bra will, according to the designers, lower the desire to have a cigarette.  To reinforce that healthy message the underwear also includes cunning visuals that will cool down the desire for sinful smokiness.  What the labels will do for the ardor of significant others is unaddressed by the news story.  To view the nonsmoking panty and bra ensemble, click on the link below.

Anti Fashion

October 23, 2003 - Crafty Burgers Lure The Unsuspecting Into Gluttony - Call out the cops and set up a dragnet.  Dangerous fast food is on the loose.  Two grant junkies have penetrated the fog of misunderstanding surrounding the epidemic of obesity.  It's not, as we have long been told, the amoral, money-grubbing food corporations that are seducing the population into scarfing down unhealthy burgers and fries.  It's the burgers and fries themselves that are pulling the strings!

Prohibitionists and social engineers know that inanimate objects hold a potent power that can turn individuals into automatons programmed to misbehave.  When smoking is prohibited the prohibitionists specify that the ashtrays must be destroyed, or at least confined out of sight, lest these little glass objects hypnotize smokers into violating the ban.  Now it can be told that fast food, through the use of something the researchers call energy density "throws the brain’s appetite control system into confusion."  That confusion leads to gluttony, which costs society hundreds of billions of dollars per year.  The course is clear.  Devious fast food criminals must be destroyed before they terminate us.  Bring out the big guns.  Rid the planet of these manipulative fiends.

August 15, 2003 - The Losing Fight To Ward Off Withdrawal From Secondhand Smoke - A former inmate of the Santa Fe County jail in New Mexico filed a suit against the facility claiming he was subjected to cruel and unusual punishment because he was forced to breathe the secondhand smoke of his fellow inmates.  The jail bird, now serving time in a federal facility, claims he lost a major portion of lung capacity and can be expected to become fully disabled.  Although he smoked before doing time in the county jail and even smoked during his stay, the lack of smoking restrictions are to blame.

Roberts claims in the suit he had not smoked cigarettes for over seven years prior to being admitted at the Santa Fe County jail. After about 75 days of exposure to high levels of secondhand smoke, Roberts started smoking one to five cigarettes a day to "ward off the withdrawal symptoms," according to the lawsuit.

Proving that there is a fine line between the convicts and their keepers, Santa Fe County Sheriff Greg Solano wants the county to change the jail's smoking policy and make it a smoke-free facility, both for inmates and guards.

Solano said that in addition to cutting down on the health risk to inmates and employees, adopting a no-smoking policy also might cut down on the amount of illegal drugs that is brought into the facility, because inmates will instead focus on trying to smuggle in cigarettes.

Please keep both these lunatics off the street.  There's plenty of nuts out here already.