SMOKERS' SUIT GOES TO TRIAL AGAIN - If wishes were legal judgments … the local burger joint would be paying for your medical check-ups forever, your heart bypass, maybe even your aerobics classes. Don't be too dismissive until you read this bombshell: "A landmark lawsuit aimed at forcing the tobacco industry to provide free annual medical tests for healthy smokers is a potential mine field for the dozens of witnesses expected to testify…. It is the first lawsuit of its kind to go to trial in the United States, essentially a product liability case with medical monitoring as the proposed remedy for wronged consumers." Just imagine: psychiatrists' offices full of pornography "addicts" whose bills are footed by the porno industry, kids receiving treatment for repetitive-stress syndrome paid by computer-game makers…the list of prospective remedies is endless! Perhaps it's time for a special Presidental decree to simply declare all the inhabitants of the United States "babies" and then proceed to govern accordingly - think of all the time it would save!

HARASSED SMOKER FALLS FROM WINDOW INTO ASH TREE - "I've learnt my lesson," concluded Inge, who decided she had to quit smoking because she fell out of the window of a hospital while violating a smoking ban. Smoking causes falls from windows!"... Sooo, instead of suing the hospital for creating an unsafe condition on the basis of junk science on passive smoke, just like the stupid dog who bites the broom that hits him instead of biting the man who handles it, good ol' Inge quits smoking... please do, Inge! It is far better that a person that stupid belongs to the non-smoking majority!

SCIENCE SPEAKS OUT: VOTE DOMOCRAT -- you'll think positive and sleep better! - Researchers at the University of California at Santa Cruz may be opening a bold new chapter in "advanced" politicized science. According to a study recently completed there, Democrats have fewer nightmares and seem less troubled and fearful than Republicans. "People on the left tend to be more utopian and open to the possibility of going beyond the way things are now to how things could be made better," researcher Kelly Bulkeley was quoted as saying. Going beyond the way things are now to how things could be made better... hmmm. Sounds like a political endorsement to us. We predict a host of "follow-up" studies from psychology departments across the nation, trailed by headlines in the daily newspapers: "Democratic policy wonks make better parents, new study reveals", "Sociopathic tendencies higher in social conservatives, researchers announce," "Gore supporters generally nicer people than Bush supporters, scientists claim." Poor science.

CANDLES NOW BLAMED FOR EARTH'S POLLUTION - "Candles are now being blamed for global pollution problems. Burning candles can lead to high levels of pollutants, called particulates, released into the atmosphere. Research by the US Environmental Protection Agency shows the pollution from a burning candle can exceed standards the agency sets for outdoor air quality. 'If I were someone who had a health problem like asthma, and I were looking for things to prevent aggravating my respiratory problems, candles and incense are two things I would seriously consider getting rid of', says Michael Osborne of the EPA."

... And guess who is the authoritative public health voice against candles, this time? But the EPA, of course… yes, the same ones behind the passive smoke fraud. But let's not forget that, a couple of years ago, another "authoritative" voice, the American Lung Association said that candles are bad for your health... To the ALA, and to Mr. Osborne of the EPA we can say this: if somebody seriously considered a candle (or passive smoke, for that matter) to be a health problem, he/she would really have one -- and should consider psychiatric therapy - something that Public Health in general seems to be in desperate need of.

ATTACK OF THE KILLER STOCKINGS -  Bringing a brand new meaning to Health Hysteria, a report from the United Kingdom labels EVERYTHING a health hazard.  In all seriousness the report enumerates the unspeakable horrors encountered in the British household:

• 10,773 treated in hospitals for accidents caused by stockings

• 5,945 hurt by trousers

• 1,317 injured by beanbags

• 787 incapacitated by sponges and loofahs

• 37 done in by tea cosies

• 933 bitten by false teeth

 "It's our favorite report", says New Scientist (??!!!) magazine, "It makes it clearer than ever that our homes are full of unacknowledged dangers."

From "Rule, Britannia, Britannia Rules The Waves" to "Whine, Britannia, Britannia Fears The Sponge"

SECONDHAND SMOKE MAY CAUSE CAVITIES IN CHILDREN! -  Of all the absolute nonsense about smoking, this "study" takes the prize, and its well-earned place in this Theatre. The study simply "forgot" to account for was diet and dental hygiene habits (tooth brushing), but what the hell... as long as it helps to make smokers look bad, anything goes... The corruption of science to a political agenda cannot be more obvious. Let us now give some real information about tooth decay.

Wall St. Journal, 3/10/2000, "A Common Side Effect Can Cause Tooth Decay". Excerpts: "Amid skyrocketing sales of new drugs for treating depression, anxiety and hypertension, doctors and dentists are becoming alarmed about a seemingly innocuous side effect." … "The problem is dry mouth, known medically as xerostomia, and its impact can be devastating." … "In the absence of saliva, which has potent antibacterial and antiviral properties, bacteria in the mough runs rampant, leading to decay. Atheena Pappas, professor at Tufts University School of Dental Medicine, said users of dry-mouth-causing medications have 10 times the bacteria in their mouths as normal. People with dry mouth also are more prone to fungal infections, gum disease and nutrition problems." Among the biggest culprits among the dry-mouth-causing drugs is Zyban, according to the article. So, in addition to killing people and causing seizures, Zyban also causes cavities and gum disease.

SUSHI MAY CUT CUT SMOKERS' LUNG CANCER RISK - This article, which (of course) ends with the usual Nostradamus bang ("smoking-causes-lung-cancer-zillions-will-die"), tells us what we already know so well: the heaviest smoking countries in the world have the lowest incidence of lung cancer. The antismoking jokers are desperately trying to justify the "paradox" that belays them. Recently, for example, a well-known Italian "researcher" from the University of Padua, observing the "paradox", told the world that the reason of the lower cancer rates is that the Orientals drink green tea - and he rushed to patent an "anticancer cigarette" with green tea filter while, through the media, he demanded that Philip Morris endorses his "invention"! Now it's the turn of sushi… except that the consumption of sushi and green tea is not high among the Greek, who are among the ones with the lowest cancer rate, and longest life. Incidentally, sushi has been banned in Massachuset - unless cooked (!) - because it causes disease (however, it prevents lung cancer in the Orient)... Stop the BS, clueless! -- You have NO IDEA of what really causes lung cancer anymore than you have a clue on cancer in general.

SMOKING LINKED TO IMPAIRED INTELLECT - How low can antismoking junk science go? Don't try to figure it out. Just read this, conclusive evidence since one year ago that the intellect of antismoking "scientists" needs a good shot of nicotine to clear the though process and restore some integrity! Of course, the withdrawal symptoms from addiction to easy money would be devastating, but they would get used to it, eventually. The link between dishonesty and antismoking is the only solidly established one of the whole antitobacco saga.

LONDON (Reuters) - April 18 2000 - "British and Spanish researchers warned on Wednesday that smoking late in life could impair intelligence in the elderly. A one-year study of more than 650 elderly people in London found that those who smoked were four time more likely to show a decline in intelligence than non-smokers or former smokers. In a report in the Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery and Psychiatry, Prince, Dr Anthony Mann and Dr Jorge Cervilla, of San Luis hospital in Palencia, Spain, smokers had a much higher risk of intellectual decline than people who didn't smoke."

"The researchers recorded the smoking and drinking habits of all of the people who were 65 years or older. They also assessed their intelligence with standard tests. One year later they re-tested the participants. They said their results are consistent with previous findings that show smoking contributes to the clogging and hardening of the arteries and impairs the blood flow to the brain and other parts of the body. The people who drank moderately before the age of 65 were marginally less likely to have a decline in their mental powers than either heavy or non-drinkers, the researchers added."

SOLDIERING MAY SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH - "Lieutenant, take your platoon and storm that machine-gun nest." "No, sir. We might get hurt." "That's an order, lieutenant." "We'll see about that in court." We really have no printable comments for this one. Just read it yourselves!

MAINE TO MINT NEW CURRENCY - A state legislator -- Democrat, wouldn't know -- proposes tacking on a 5 cent per cigarette deposit to be redeemed for cash when the butt is turned into trash redemption centers.  The $10 per carton deposit will be used not for litter control but for health schemes and environmental boondoggles.  Should this bill become law the most positive benefit, however, will be an increase in charitable donations and lavish tips with the new, abundant coinage.

After a ride in a taxi, instead of fishing in your pockets for cash, just empty the ashtray into the upturned cabby's hand as a tip for services rendered.  When the Girl Scouts come calling, pour your butts into their tiny paws, piously intoning, "Love the cookies.  Take these butts and keep the change." 

Plan ahead.  Store your butts in shoe and cigar boxes.  When the annual charity drives come around, wrap the boxes in festive wrapping paper, seal them with a kiss and send in lieu of your usual check.  When passing the big glass money jars in bars and corner stores set up to support research and care for muscular dystrophy or childhood leukemia, unscrew the lids and pile on the butts.  

"Spare change," whines the beggar.  Don't turn your back.  Stamp out your smoke in his palm and say "have a good day." 

Above all, don't exclude the American Lung, American Heart and the Cancer Society from your butt largesse even though they already receive cold, hard cash directly from the state of Maine.  Their private donations are severely down and they need all the help they can get to maintain the illusion that they are actual charities rather than fully funded partners of grabby government.

Whole new cottage industries will be created as enterprising individuals become butt brokers to the world, making deals, setting up percentages and eventually going public on the New York Stock Exchange.  It's bound to be America at its best: converting insanity into money.

CITIZENS AGAINST BREAST FEEDING - Over 200,000 American citizens have signed a petition urging Congress to declare breast-feeding a crime. This primitive ritual has continued to be a violation of babies' civil rights, an unlawful, incestuous relationship with mothers that leads to moral decay. Women who breast-feed enjoy an erotic experience that offensively imposes oral gratification on innocent infants. This reprehensible act teaches children illicit sex that subsequently manifests promiscuity, homosexuality and addiction to cybersex ... Monica Lewinsky's oral gratification received from President Clinton had a direct relationship to her demented Childhood slurping mother's milk. Just ask any psychologist."

... Must be the same psychologists who have "linked" smoking with criminal behaviour. Say no more.

ASH GOES TO THE MOVIES - - - - Like the garrulous people who render movie-going miserable, Action on Smoking and Health just won't sit down and shut up.  For the maladroit sociopaths who populate the ranks of ASH, a trip to the cinema is always a scary event.  Their terror is ignited by the promiscuous smoking taking place in American films these days and they are terribly afraid that the tobacco industry is behind it all.

Product placement is what has the quaking ASHites in a dither.  Product placement is the arrangement when manufacturers pay film producers to feature their products in a movie.  The practice is perfectly legal and for years the cigarette manufacturers participated along with everyone else.  Some time ago the cigarette makers voluntarily agreed to withdraw their participation hoping to gain some points with the anti-tobacco crowd.

We all know that any good deed performed by the tobacco industry never goes unpunished and in this case, ASH and its cronies allege, with no proof, of course, that paid product placement of cigarettes is still occurring.  What should frighten everyone is that this story comes from the BBC, an organization that not long ago had a sterling reputation for unbiased excellence.  With nary a verifiable fact, the BBC dispenses ASH's propaganda as if smoking in the movies is news and that it's worth worrying about. 

Combine the overwrought verbiage, the unsubstantiated charges and the weird veneration the BBC affords to ASH and we have a very scary situation indeed.  For real horror contemplate the angry, bitter image of ASH fanatic Amanda Sanford and imagine her and her fellow anti-tobacco lunatics with the power to censor what we see.

SUBLIMINAL IMAGES, OVERT IDIOCY - - - - The ink was barely dry on the Tobacco Settlement when Philip Morris donned a hair shirt and began its crawl to redemption, piously chanting Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa.  Newspapers, television and magazines are filled with a litany of the good, socially responsible deeds of the new Philip Morris.  From abused kids and spouses to relieving the suffering of flood victims, PM is there to feel our pain and minister to it.  

PM needn't have bothered.  Nothing the cigarette manufacturer can do will ever placate the busy parasites attached to the company's bank account.  A "respectable" Philip Morris is no longer a victim and a bleeding victim is what maggots need.

Nothing raises the hackles of the anti-tobacco enterprise more than PM's campaign to reduce teenage smoking.  From the beginning the anti-tobacco ads have been ridiculed as ineffective and a waste of PM's money which would be far better spent if given directly to the Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids or the body parts organizations.

Ridicule has been transcended by absurdity with the latest nonsense sprouting from anti-tobacco.  Not only is PM's anti-smoking campaign ineffective, the company now is purposefully purveying pro-smoking messages that will compel the kids to start puffing Marlboros.  The ire is directed at anti-smoking book covers distributed to the public schools portraying a teenage snowboarder flying over snowcapped mountains.

``The snowboard looks like a lit match. The clouds look like smoke. The mountains look like mounds of tobacco at an auction,'' says one well paid stooge.

Feverish minds may imagine a lit match although the device upon which the boy glides looks most like a snowboard, clouds look like clouds whether of smoke or rain but those mountains may be trouble.  We all know that nothing drives kids to smoke more than pictures of mounds of tobacco ready for auction.  No more seductive image than piles of vegetative matter on the auction block exists on earth.  Just ask any mother who has induced prolific spinach-eating by well placed posters of piles of the green stuff.   

MOBILE CESSATION DEVICES - - The hoi polloi may be apathetic, lazy and dull but can generally be relied upon to distinguish between cellular phones and packs of cigarettes.  The higher class of people who hang out at Action On Smoking and Health - United Kingdom know better and are pleased to inform us that the rampant epidemic of teenage smoking is waning as the young people discard their smokes in exchange for mobile cellular phones.

How so?  It's obvious to the elite.  Cell phones meet the teens needs' just as well as cigarettes.  Cell phones are a sign of rebellion, demonstrate status and best of all are part of the high tech world and just may render cigarettes obsolete because the smokes are "old technology".  Of course drinking, eating, fashion, music as well as sex are also 'old technology' and a beautiful girl with a cell phone plugged into ear is very unlikely to compete successfully with a hot babe dangling a smoldering cigarette from red lips.

It's sobering to contemplate that the people who gave us Shakespeare, Newton, the Magna Carta and Winston Churchill are breeding those whose hatred of tobacco so addles their brains that this bilge sees the light of day. 

BAN THE LIGHTS - - Anti-tobacco tells us that no one voluntarily takes up smoking.  The evil tobacco companies, using diabolically clever marketing techniques,  seduce the youth into a lifetime of servitude resulting in premature death.  Once hooked, and it only takes one puff, the tobacco slave's entire focus is on that next cigarette, wantonly ignoring all the rules and regulations designed to protect himself and society from the most pernicious scourge known to man.

The progressive and wise people who rule the Wisconsin city of New Berlin with an iron fist of love have hit upon a method that will wipe out the most important problem facing their schools.  Henceforth not only will smoking be verboten but carrying matches will be severely punished.  To school administrators and the local police, truly geniuses all, kids will cease smoking when matches and lighters are outlawed.

Lesser intellects may ask, since smoking is now so prevalent on campus despite the threat of heavy punishment,  how banning the tiny ignition devices can have any effect on teenage smoking.  When school officials can't intervene in bathroom smoking because of privacy issues, how can they ferret out an illicit book of matches?  Strip searches, a practice the adults may find enjoyable to conduct, are sure to outrage even the soporific parents of New Berlin.

The self-destruction embraced by high school tobacco fiends will continue to exasperate the compassionate rulers.  No threatened punishment will stand between a tobacco junkie and his fix.  What the oh-so-caring rulers of New Berlin need to do is move beyond the empty symbolism of their current policies and enact new ones that will propel their city into a utopian nirvana.

Chop off all students' hands.  One can't flick a BIC, let alone strike a match with stumps.  Cruel to be kind?  Maybe, but those little bastards must be saved from smoking at any cost.  Better still, march them all down to the soccer field, line them up and beat tobacco with the firing squad.  New Berlin can then proudly boast that its underage smoking problem has finally been licked.

HOW TO WASH YOUR HANDS - - From the warm and caring people who want to regulate tobacco, we offer heart-warming proof that the Food and Drug Administration is working overtime for you.  

Millions of your dollars have been spent to educate and shape up the country by designing and distributing instructions on the difficult task of how to wash your hands.  Mothers may have their place, but without the FDA to teach the peasants personal hygiene techniques, who knows what health crises may have incapacitated the country?

We toyed with presenting the FDA's detailed bathroom instructions on how to deal with number two but didn't want people to loose their breakfast.

CANCER LINKED TO CLEAN LIVING AND GREAT VEGETABLES - Healthy living causes cancer! Sorry, that was an inaccurate characterization of the article above. Make it, "healthy living MAY cause cancer." There, now that's clear and helpful, isn't it?

Watch for this headline coming soon to your newspaper: "Being human a significant risk factor for cancer, researchers say".

GUILT 'BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH' - " People who feel guilty about life's pleasures may be damaging their health, research has found. Previous studies have provided strong evidence that positive thinking has a beneficial impact on well-being. Now researchers have told the annual conference of the British Psychological Society in Winchester that feelings of guilt may reduce the ability of the immune system to fight off illness. "

CLUBBING WITH THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT - In a city that loves to describe itself as the most exciting in the world, reality doesn't often come a knocking in San Francisco. Denizens from more sophisticated locales are bemused by the early hours, prudish attire and Sunday school ambience that infuses the club scene. Not only can one not smoke while imbibing a drink but just when things get a little hot, the lights flash Last Call and it's not even 1:30am.

FDA TO LABEL CRACKERS TO PREVENT 5,600 DEATHS (EXACTLY) - When we linked to this article from Steven Milloy (Junkscience), first we laughed, and then we sobbed... then we did not know whether to put this article in the Theatre of the Absurd, or The persecution of Eaters. So we put it in both!

"Health revolution," huh? Yes, let us have a real health revolution. Let's start with wiping out all the virtual death generators, fire their masters, and jail the mouthpieces -- especially when they use their academic credentials to knowingly sell us frauds as truths. Then let's continue with cleaning up science from politics. Finally, let's see what's left, and go back to practice real science, and real health policies -- with the appropriate priorities.

VEGETARIAN DIET IN PREGNANCY LINKED TO BIRTH DEFECT - Galvanized by the success of the frauds and lies about tobacco and disease, the junk scientists "explore" new frontiers for frauds and persecution. The attack on fat people, fat food and red meat is well on its way, while a new wave of junk science seems to be directed against vegetarians. While the US government wants smokers and the tobacco industry to pay if it fails in its campaign of lies and frauds against smokers and the tobacco industry, new avenues of financial exploitation and individual persecution are explored and implemented by governments and the medical associations, pharmaceutical companies, and "health" organizations that seems to have achieved a firm control of those governments, now reduced to nothing more than parroting marionettes of the health operatives.

THE LATEST THREAT TO YOUR MANHOOD - The phallus fanatic faction of the anti-tobacco cartel has pushed the lie that smoking tobacco causes impotence. From anti-tobacco toady Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes, to the propaganda cranked out by California's Health Department, the anti-smokers have an inordinate interest in male sexuality that approaches obsession.

Proving the theory that junk science proliferates like breeding rabbits, impotence studies are now appearing in arenas far removed from anti-tobacco. Hard core radical vegetarians are often rabidly anti-tobacco so it is oddly appropriate that their choice is now being blamed for one of the conditions that the anti-tobacco goons have so lewdly blamed on tobacco.

WHAT ARE THEY SMOKING? - Today we find ourselves in the unprecedented position of praising the American Cancer Society for upholding the rock-ribbed American virtue of trying to make a buck on an idea that is so spectacularly stupid as to leave the angels breathless. Undaunted by the failure of its overpriced nicotine patches to accomplish anything but emptying the suckers' wallets, the batty organization is now banking on marijuana patches to con the dopers!

The richest charity on earth has never been shy in chasing dollar signs while ignoring completely its mission to actually do something about cancer. After embarrassing itself hawking nicotine delivery devices, the goofy organization still hasn't learned anything about human nature. People don't give up the real things in order to buy chemical replacements that deliver to the American Cancer Society's bottom line. The inanity of its latest scheme proves that the smoke wafting from the ACS boardroom is obviously not tobacco.

ET TU FIDO? - Since health fanatics always know what is good for others, we certainly cannot avoid to straighten up dogs!

SMOKING MAY INCREASE RISK OF PANIC ATTACK! - This latest piece of garbage reported of course by antismoking zealot Reuters' "Health" cannot explain why Churchill and Roosevelt, both smokers, did not panic when fighting antismoking Hitler. The endless flow of grant money to the heath results in an endless production of propaganda trash by unscrupulous "scientists."

RISKING YOUR ASS WITH NATURAL GAS? - And you thought that you were safely cooking with gas? Not anymore, according to this last piece of junk science still hot out of the (electric?) oven. So, housewives using gas stoves, begin to tremble now: asthma, emphysema, who knows, even lung cancer may be lurking around the corner of your kitchen stove.

HEY NICK, WATCH THAT DICK! - "The suit alleges the coffee house was careless in not fixing a defective toilet seat. It also claims Mr. Skwarek has suffered a crushed penis that now deviates to one side, retrograde ejaculation, infertility, severe bruising and sexual function impairment. Mr. Skwarek is seeking $1.5 million in damages and his wife $765,000 because she has been deprived of his services."

DO YOU LIKE TOFU?  WELL, DON'T!  IT "AGES YOUR BRAIN!" - Is there anything at all that is not dangerous these days? Apparently not. The latest mini-health scare comes from Hawaii. Delicious Tofu may induce "brain ageing." We have another theory: the "brain ageing" has already occurred in the health scares/control freaks, and they are the ones who really need medical attention. Actually, there is no need for a "study" to establish that. It is quite evident!

BREAST CANCER LINKED TO SMOKING AND ETS AT PUBERTY!! - Why not? The appearance of pubic hair and the exposure to second hand smoke have always been known to be a harmful combination -- in Nutland. Unfortunately, these trashy "findings" are mentioned in anti-cancer conferences. Devoid of any restraint, thus decency, the anti-tobacco-paid junk scientists invent one "link" after another. This garbage is then pushed by equally corrupt politicians to promote antismoking propaganda and lie to those who elected them, and to their children. When will we put an and to this theatre of the absurd and put the protagonists in jail where they belong?

CAREFUL THIS CHRISTMAS: CANDLES ARE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH - The health pyrophobics are at it again: "Vanilla, lavender and other scented candles can make a home seem cozy and inviting for the holidays, but such candles may also be hazardous to your family's health, according to the American Lung Association (ALA)."

"NON-SMOKING MEN HAVE SEX MORE OFTEN - AND ENJOY IT MORE TOO" - Says who?… Has anti-tobacco junk science made it to our bedrooms yet? No - not yet. This piece of garbage is based on the usual self-reporting by smokers and non-smokers where non-smokers boast more than smokers. Poor science - reduced to take notes of who is bragging the most about his bed!

"We do not understand…," say Canadian junk scientists, maybe really believing that some fool out there can take the issue of smoking and potency seriously. Canadian junk science continues to distinguish itself either for blatant exaggerations and frauds about smoking, or for being a side-kicking lackey of American junk scientists. After the recent "French Paradox" now is the time, once again, of smoking and potency.

A COUPLE OF GOOD ONES -- AND NO COMMENT- "Judges dismisses smoking suit" and "Jordan's eatery slam-dunks N.Y.C. anti-smoking law"

ANTI-TOBACCO "SCIENCE" AND THE LIKE - Certainly without meaning to compete with junk science master Steven Milloy, we report here a small collection of the most recent junk science, and a few excerpts from "studies" based on statistics -- not on direct research. Yet these statistical studies, usually passed under the name of epidemiology or research, are driving entire nations, persecuting entire categories of people, and used to justify the most indecent taxation. Don't fool yourself. This is not just applicable to tobacco, though tobacco is certainly the most lucrative fraud created by junk science. Nowadays, junk science applies to anything.

THE MICE COMMAND: 'THOU SHALT NOT EAT BREAD WHICH THE FDA HAT BORBIDDEN' - After labeling eggs, it is now the turn of bread, already in the health nuts' targeting system because of its smell (!). Unaccountable bureaucrats who base public policy affecting the lives, liberties and wallets of all citizens on SPECULATION as opposed to PROOF are not just irresponsible, criminals, paranoids and even fraudulent -- the are Mickey Mouse.

The fourth "jewel" of 1999: STUPIDITY DOES NOT BELONG JUST TO ANTI-TOBACCO - The Food and Drug Administration tell us what to do with eggs! - Here comes the Food and Drug Administration with warning labels on egg cartons! You better know about the dangers of the egg, you stupid citizen! What would you do without the FDA? What do you mean raw eggs are good? Do you want to kill your children?

THE LATEST DELIRIUM FROM THE ANTI-TOBACCO CARTEL; SMOKERS ARE MENTALLY ILL! - Fuelled by a never-ending flow of money and propaganda, the anti-tobacco operatives are going beyond the delirious in an orgy of hate and lies, where common sense judgment has all but disappeared. Let us look at this website. The author of site is Leroy J. Pletten, who's obviously trying to outdo Stan Glantz, an already self-evident case in our opinion. Pletten seems to be linked from Smokescreen.org as "The Crime Prevention Group". While this could be easily dismissed as just another mental case, his connection with the anti-tobacco cartel raises some serious suspicion: is he getting public money?

YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING! ... NO? -- THE TOOTHBRUSH LAWSUIT! - Nope, this is not a joke. There is a real class action lawsuit against the manufacturers of toothbrushes for the dangers of dental abrasion! Why not? There is no label on the brush warning about the dangers of brushing your teeth with car paint polisher, is there? Come on, people, toothbrushes may be dangerous tools indeed! Where have you been? Are you flat-earthers, or something? But you know, these people will not win, though their claims are no more absurd than those about tobacco -- in fact, in many cases, they are probably less absurd.

SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE A HEALTH HAZARD - A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone! We have no more words. North America and its sympathizers simply need their brain checked out. But even that presents a problem. Who's going to check those brains out, North American doctors??!

BEWARE OF THE BUBBLE GUM CIGAR! - From Oklahoma, a state not generally known for giddy stupidity, comes a double absurdity. An officious state lawmaker is wasting his constituents' time by sponsoring legislation to make bubble gum cigars illegal. The cigars are popular at hospital pediatric wards where the prissier sort of father celebrates the birth of his child by popping the revolting novelty into his mouth rather than light up the real thing. One is torn between astonishment that adult men are so cowed by the nannies that they daren't smoke a real cigar and revulsion over politicians who think the substitute is a danger to children.

Students sued over smoky bathroom! - Everywhere and anytime, hate and hysteria propaganda has an easy grip on weak minds. This absurd story is truly a mirror of today's America. When small turds feel that they are backed up by an equally stinking system, they feel free to unleash their hatred on anyone they can get away with. In the Theatre of the Absurd we always try to see things in a sadly but amusing key. We cannot laugh at this one. We can only cry -- and be angry.

Eat the container, but not the ice-cream - The stupidity of the health nuts and of many environmentalists is as endless as the money that feeds them. And since the commercial opportunists follow the "leaders" like sheep, the same sad considerations apply to them too.

The third "jewel" of 1999: Smokers Seen More Prone to Divorce! - ... We wonder who would be stupid enough to believe this, but we wonder even more about what kind of blind hate against smokers -- combined with an equal amount of intellectual stupidity -- can drive any media (no matter how much they get paid to divulge lies and misinformation on tobacco) to report garbage like this. Answer: http://www.thirdage.com! And maybe, they are even stupid enough to publish it for free.

Self-massage can help smokers quit! -- What kind? - We know a stubbed toe will get rid of headaches, but... could you see people leaving an airplane after a flight where their rights as smokers were infringed on, getting into the terminal, dropping everything and rubbing their faces? What are they going to think of next? What about masturbation? That's relaxing! Maybe they'll graciously let us have self massage rooms at airports so we can all get together... never mind! We better not laugh this hard, or someone is going to find a way to tax it! Is there any junk science in this world that the media will not publish when it comes to the holy crusade on lies about smoking? And, what kind of money did these "researchers" get for this new gem in the anti-smoking "science" firmament? (Source: OnHealth's Daily Briefing)

The second "jewel" of 1999: The Queensland "study": smoking mothers give birth to evil offspring - another nail in the coffin of political science - There is no question about it, folks: the more the anti-tobacco cartel mass-produces junk science, the more evident and gross its falsifications become. Here is another "study," (this time from the charlatans in Queensland University, Australia) that is "linking" maternal smoking to offspring criminal behavior! Come on anti-smokers, give us a break! Not even scum like you can really believe this garbage, right? How much deeper people like Dr. Richard Roylance intend to drag science and medical profession into the mud on lies over tobacco? How long does the anti-tobacco cartel think it can go on insulting the intelligence of even the dumbest layperson?

And besides, this is not even an original idea. We reported a similar nonsense right here in the Theatre of the Absurd from the July 1997 issue of Archives of General Psychiatry, in which it was "found" that "women who smoke while pregnant are 'four times more likely' to give birth to boys who have 'conduct disorder' " (click here). Just as in olive oil production, after the first pressing, the paste of anti-tobacco is sent from the US to other countries for a second pressing in order to extract more poisonous oil to lubricate research grants, the local hate machine, and to increase the grand total of intolerance against smokers in the world.

The first "jewel" of 1999: Second-hand smoke causes breast cancer! (and Elvis has been sighted once again . . .) - Junk science buster Steven Milloy wonders how on earth this latest second-hand smoke "study" ever saw the light of day. In a satirical speculation, he wonders if the authors brought to bear some fashionable Peeping Tom paparazzi style techniques to persuade editors to publish. "One can only wonder what Aschengrau, sitting in her Ivory tower at Boston University, will dream up next. I'll bet journal editors all over America are making sure their bedroom curtains are closed tight!" We link to the pages of Junk Science.

November 23 -- To those who persist in believing that the Tobacco Industry is too smart to allow the anti-tobacco cartel to wipe out cigarette smoking entirely, we offer evidence to the contrary.

The thinking & planning toddlers: another fine piece of anti-smoking political junk science - In the endless firmament of anti-smoking science fiction, this piece "ought a shine", together with the "tobacco-as-a-gateway-drug" nonsense. "Children as young as 3 and 4 years old think smoking is 'cool' if their parents do it, and plan to smoke themselves when they grow up", a "new study" reveals! -- So, now we have planning toddlers, huh? Quick, do you remember what you were thinking and planning when you were a toddler? -- We thought so!

Just smoke away -- and in bed play! - Now it's official: 60 Minutes' anti-smoking charlatan Mike Wallace and the anti-tobacco stooges of the AMA believe that smoking doubles the chances of impotence. Of course, the real quantification is carefully avoided. If it is sad enough that US television has long turned itself into an anti-smoking buffoon, it is even sadder that countries such as Thailand don't even care to verify the foundations of US's-financed junkscience.

Smoking Lifestyle Leads to Defective Sperm! -This time we marvel at a study that examined a grand total of 25 young men who not only all live in the same region of the Czech Republic, smoke two packs a day and are up for military service, but also are heavy drinkers. The researchers spent one year assiduously observing, dissecting, photographing and cataloguing the 10,000 cells extracted from the samples of sperm deposited by the 25 18-year olds. The conclusion? The damage wrought by smoking may affect generations to come. Instead of being embarrassed by drawing any conclusions from such a miniscule sample of similar individuals, the anti-tobacco cartel turns toilet water into wine by proclaiming that the study is significant precisely because the sample group is tiny and homogenous.

Pregnant smokers linked to baby hyperactivity! - Another gem, this time courtesy of Reuters.

A ban on secondhand peanuts? - The pandemic of health scares and related absurdities does not indicate a slow down. Now is the turn of airborne peanuts in airplanes. Yes, you have it right: airborne peanuts. "After careful study, including a review of Mayo Clinic research on how minute peanut particles collect in airplane ventilation filters, the DOT concluded that an outright ban of peanuts in the skies isn't necessary." Well, first, if the anti tobacco criminals would not have forbidden smoking in airplanes, the air filtration would be much better than it is now. Second, how much are the diseased health nuts willing to adapt society to every form of mental, psychological, or physical deficiency, real or of the hypochondriac type? Obviously, the sky is the limit, as long as there will be whiners to whine, fools to believe then, fascists loving to ban at the drop of a hat, and a dishonest, hysterical health establishment ready to get rich on the whole health scare affair. (From Steven Milloy's Junk Science)

The bargain that dares not speak its name - What do you do when you don't name something you're not supposed to mention for fear of legal consequences, but you do mention that there is something you can't mention? Duck and cover, of course -- the lawyers are coming!

Smoking shrinks your penis! - It is clear that the anti-tobacco cartel is running our of BS to induce people to quit smoking, and the biggest lie of all has just being exposed. The dickheads of ASH of course are welcoming this news, stating that this is avenue to get the message across: hit men in their virility. But so far, the only place where men have been hit after reading all the "genitalia blues" is the jaws, just about dislocated for the excessive laughter. So, carry on, anti-smokers, we need you to expose your own stupidity! It is sad, though, that our institutions have prostituted themselves to the agenda and the money of the anti-tobacco cartel.

The Viagra saga: it works, but... - Diabetic 67 year-old man buys Viagra. Takes pills, the effect is immediate: the pills works, and the man performs like a humpback whale. Day four: heart attack, due to the super-duty that the man has imposed on himself. Conclusion? You guessed: LAWSUIT for $85 MILLION. Justification? "No one needs to improve their sex life to the point where they might die," says the 'victim'. Moral of the story? Manufacturers are responsible for the use and abuse of anything they make.

Smoking linked to genital warts!! - We have to admit that the anti-smoking cartel is very resourceful in associating smoking with any disease known to man, and this time they have come up with a real gem. Please read this Reuters release. Notice the usual misleading sentences: "patients who had warts that lingered for 6 months or longer were twice as likely to be smokers". Or : "... The findings are biologically plausible..."

Well, guys, we already have "evidence" that smoking causes impotence, and we have suggested the use of our Limpometer Testing Procedure. This time we suggest the following approaches to protect yourselves:

• Always examine your penis before smoking.

• IMPORTANT - While smoking, always wear a condom -- don't leave home without it!

• Do not inhale with your mouth... there is a variety of orifices in the human body where a cigarette can be applied.

Workers have more to fear from smokers than from homicides! - From 1995, one of the ASH anti-smoker organization's most audacious - and hilarious - fear-mongering attempts. Do you still believe that the anti-tobacco cartel is "anti-smoking, but not anti-smoker" as they so often like to claim?

Anti-smokers are genetically defective... we did not need a study to know that!... - CYP2A6, meet R2D2 and 3CPO - "Tyndale found there were two versions of this gene - a more common standard version and a less common anti-smoking (or "defective") version, which causes people to produce only half the normal amount of this nicotine-processing enzyme. ... Perhaps, Tyndale speculated, a treatment could mimic the effects of the gene by disabling the CYP2A6 enzyme." So, the logical conclusion here is that if we were injected with a derivative of the defective genes we would become non-smokers, or perhaps even anti-smokers... NO THANKS, we don't want to become genetic robots for the sake of public health lies! We predict that in the near future, some serious scientist will discover that this enzyme also affects thought process and moral values... very interesting enzyme, this CYP2A6! "For most smokers, the habit is driven by the desperate need to keep a near-constant level of nicotine in the bloodstream." Of course... what about just having a craving for the wonderful taste of tobacco in your mouth?

Gum-free environment - "It has been nearly a decade since the Greensboro airport has sold so much as a stick of gum, a necessity for some air travelers who want to keep their ears from popping during air pressure changes." Yes Virginia, there is a smoker-friendly airport out there, but it's chewing gum-free. Go figure! at least there's still some diversity left in this world.

Smoking causes hearing loss! - From Steven Milloy's JUNK SCIENCE - (6/2/98) "A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association (June 3, 1998) reports that smokers were 70 percent more likely to have a hearing loss as nonsmokers. Now I could go through the study and point to the weak statistical association, the biased data source, the lack of biological plausibility, and other shortcomings. But I don't have to. The same study also reports that secondhand smokers were 94 percent more likely to have a hearing loss than non-secondhand smokers. How can secondhand smokers have a greater risk than smokers? Aren't smokers also exposed to their own secondhand smoke?"

The latest from the anti-tobacco Cartel: smoking causes impotence! - This makes a fine addition to our Theatre of the Absurd. The devious, castrated nature of anti-tobacco is truly emerging here. In a stunning demonstration of the collusion between the anti-smoking cartel and the Pharmaceutical Companies, California launches a $20-MILLION media campaign cashing in on the current impotency hysteria. Smoking causes impotence the cartel proclaims. The solution? Buy the overpriced nicotine delivery devices manufactured by the Pharmaceuticals or continue smoking and buy the overpriced Viagra, manufactured by the Pharmaceuticals. Looks like a win-win situation for the cartel and its silent partners, the Pharmaceutical Companies.

70 year-old super stud provokes law suit - An American classic - Will America always be America? Do we want this America?

Sweet tooth, personality traits diagnose alcoholism - Anti-tobacco is based largely on junk science, but junk science is not limited to anti-tobacco: it applies to any field where there is enough gullibility and money to allow the junk scientist to make a good living by fooling the fools. Steven Milloy from Junk Science comments: "I would have thought that alcoholism would be diagnosed by whether you drink lots of alcohol, not whether you had a sweet tooth. And does this have anything to do with those little chocolates filled with Grand Marnier? Yum!"

Cats cause ulcers? - (5/19/98) - The Journal of Clinical Microbiology (1998;36: 1366-70) reports that cuddling a cat could cause ulcers. A dentist with a recurrent history of dyspepsia was found to have stomach ulcers with strains of the bacteria Heliobacter heilmanni--a bacteria that reportedly infects 80-100 percent of cats, dogs and pigs. Testing of genes from the man's H heilmanni and his cats' showed they were "highly homologous." [Source: The Lancet (May 16, 1998)]. Of course the "testing" failed to indicate whether the dentist got the bacteria from his cats, or vice versa. - From Steven Milloy's Junk Science

Mamma mia, watccha that cake! - New Study Shows Second Generation Immigrant Children Gaining Weight - Statistics and "studies" definitely run the show nowadays, while layman's commonsense is totally obliterated. How can you POSSIBLY understand that if you eat too much you get fat, unless a scientist or a doctor tells you so? Come on! But here we have junk science laying the foundations of the next persecution/taxation hype just as it did for tobacco: the anti-fat crusade! (see above). "Childhood obesity is a major public health problem affecting nearly 25 percent of all North American children," the authors wrote. "Its effects on health during childhood and adulthood and its related social and economic consequences are becoming clearer." Notice the key words: "children", "major public health problem", "economic consequences". What is actually becoming clearer is another extorsionistic plan in the making. We link to Steven Milloy's Junk Science

Traumatizing a 10-year old for the good of us all - In the spirit of the Theatre of the Absurd, we wish we could put a humorous spin on this story, but we cannot. In fact, we debated if this story rather belonged in The Disgusting. The North American faith in regulation, strong enforcement, and repression as a means to maintain order in -- and even "improve" -- society has one of the best (should we say worst?) expressions in this episode. And to the ones who believe that regulating everything is a good thing -- just this one time we've gone 'a little too far' -- we repeat what anti-tobacco tells our children ad nauseam: "...don't even start".

The delicate nostrils of an hysterical culture - Salt-free, sugar-free, smoke-free, fat-free, propellant-free, sex-free, caffeine-free, additive-free, alcohol-free, scent-free... There is no end to the hysteria of the health nuts, let loose with the blessing of an intrusive state, and sometimes assorted "organ" societies, in this case, the Canadian Lung Association. Perhaps we're headed toward a commonsense-free, joy-free society where everyone will wander about numbly, "protected" from any unauthorized physical sensation, waiting for doctors' and the state's instructions on how to employ 100 years of a sterile life.

Does your butt stink? - The stigma of tobacco smells is spawning a new industry of odor-neutralizing products. L'Oreal, for example, has launched two new ''scented mists that neutralize the smoke, the negativity.'' But wait just a minute...with scented products now being banned in public places in some North American jurisdictions, isn't this simply replacing one form of olfactory rape with another? And if we free ourselves from the prison of denial and recognize scent crime for what it is, how will we address the problems presented inside a bus on a hot day in the "scent-free community" of the future? Ah, let that worthy work be left to the next generation of earnest, concerned busy bees!