OYSTER EGGSNow, open the egg in half. Make sure that no small pieces of shell fall inside the egg - that may mean instant death upon ingestion. By passing the egg's contents several times between the two halves of the shell, you should be able to eliminate the white and keep the yolk. Get a lemon. Cut it in half. Make sure that you don't cut yourself in the process. If that happens, contact a lawyer near you. He will sue the knife manufacturer for not making you aware of the risks involved when using dangerous tools. Back to the egg. Squeeze 50% of one half of the lemon into the shell. Make sure that droplets of ascorbic acid don't hit your eyes. Ascorbic acid can be as dangerous as secondhand smoke. If this happens, contact a lawyer near you. Once that's done, get the salt shaker out of the locked cabinet where you keep the dangerous stuff safely out of the reach of children. Put 1.738 grams of salt on the egg. Make sure that the quantity is correct. Excess of salt is known to be the number one cause of the hardening of arteries in some statistic. That leads to heart attack, which is the number one killer in America in some other statistic. If you can't weigh the salt with sufficient precision (mean error: +/- 0.122%), then give up the salt and contact the CDC for advice on proper measuring procedures for potentially dangerous substances. Don't worry about anonymity. THEY KNOW WHO YOU ARE. They have call display. Now you are ready to face death. Be courageous: eat the egg -- not the shell, you fool! Do you know how expensive it may get if they have to put labels on each egg? It tastes good, doesn't it? Now you can feel guilty, like any progressive person concerned with health should feel after experiencing pleasure. If you don't die within the next hour, you have escaped death. But don't do it again. Living dangerously is against state policy.
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