As I was driving to work, I was hit by the thunderbolt news. With the usual professional voice, the radio announcer revealed the latest disclosure of the terrible effects of smoking: it shrinks a man's penis. The poor anchorman, however, could not control himself notwithstanding his efforts. As he was approaching the punch line, he stuttered, then he exploded laughing.

Quickly regaining his composure, he went on to other news. Well, it appears that this new scare technique, applauded of course by ASH - the great authority on lies and intimidation - did not hit anybody as intended, and it has quickly become a joke of international proportions.

As I was parking the car I began to wonder: how did they get those 200 men to get hard? I mean, they must have done something! And how did they know when the right amount of stiffness was achieved in order to take the measurement? Being a mechanical engineer, I consider this to be a serious technical problem!

Every man -- and most women -- know that there are many levels of stiffness of the human penis, each one affecting the size. I remember my happy, thoughtless university days when penis jokes were abundant. And of course, penis performance was a great concern, so myself and others were put in charge of creating a hardness scale, that we named PDS (Penile Durometric Scale, from the latin durum, meaning hard). The rigidity of the penis -- and its size -- was increasing accordingly to the purpose for which the member had to be used: from the total limpness and miniature size, consequence of looking at the old dry lady teaching quantum mechanics, to the high tensile strength achieved by watching the young, buxom mathematics lady professor, not to mention the extreme size and carbide-like hardness theorized for other extreme-duty performances.

And everybody was having a whale of a time in creating new graduations on the scale... but everybody knew it was a joke. Twenty-eight years later, this joke has become a sad reality -- damn, it's no longer funny!

But considering the level of junk science used for anti-smoking propaganda, this may be a likely scenario. Just picture this: We are at the Boston University School of Medicine, and 200 men are walking into the examination room. A fat man, looking like the Pillsbury Dough animated moppet greets them. He holds a calliper in his hand, and he wears a black military uniform with a no-smoking band on the sleeve.

"Gentlemen, welcome," he says. "My name is John Banzealot, and I am from TRASH -- Total Repression Against Scientific Honesty. Today we will make medical history by proving yet another consequence of the greatest calamity that has ever affected humankind", he continues with grave voice. "I hope that you will appreciate the tremendous sacrifice I am about to make today for the advancement of science, and the great cause of ridding humanity of the tobacco epidemic", he concludes.

Without further delay, the men are made to stand up, light up, and inhale cigarettes. Banzealot promptly falls on his knees with the calliper ready for action, while the rest of the medical crew in the building, as well as the inhabitants of the entire city block, are told to wear gas masks immediately.

Unfortunately some of the smokers, almost impotent by the continuous use of tobacco -- as demonstrated conclusively by an earlier study -- force Banzealot to work incredibly hard to achieve the desired erection, and more than one cigarette is to be lit in the process. Some of John's closest friends in the medical crew are beginning to wonder if they'll have to cure a bad case of jaw dislocation as soon as the test is over. But our John is a true hero, as he does not hesitate to generously sacrifice himself for the cause, limiting his expression of pain to a few muffled sounds.

But finally, here comes the time: one after the other, the previously instructed smokers jell "NOW!", and Banzealot, with the consumed skills of a maestro, performs his magic with the calliper, measuring diameter and length in a blink of an eye while quickly calculating volume and circumference as well.

Time goes slow when you have to earn your living this way. After hours of strenuous work, John, covered in sweat and exhausted by an exercise that has caused him to lose at least 100 of his 300 pounds, finally rests on the couch, refusing a drink. The experiment is complete. As a compensation for their participation, the smokers are given a patch and a Nicorette gum, compliments of the pharmaceutical industry, to provide the necessary addiction to replace the smoking habit.

And so, thanks to the abnegation of Banzealot, and the substantial investment of the pharmaceutical industry on the Boston University School of Medicine, the entire world is finally aware of the shocking truth, real milestone of medical research: smoking shrinks your dick. Because of this, most smokers now walk looking down on themselves with shame and guilt for their lost masculinity: a true triumph of goodness over evil.

America is full of heros.

To express the gratitude of the American people, and to deliver John Banzealot's name to the immortality of history, The President of the United States has recently received him at the White House, with all the presidential honours reserved to the Chief of the New World Order.

President Clinton is no fool: with a friend like that, who needs Monica Lewinsky?

Gian Turci