There's An Epidemic Of Epidemics
        James Austin

It's not only the tobacco epidemic or the global tobacco epidemic we have to worry about. We also have to worry about the Everything's An Epidemic epidemic.  I'm not kidding. Wanna see?

There's a "teen drinking epidemic" followed by the "BINGE DRINKING EPIDEMIC ON COLLEGE CAMPUSES" and the "young adults" drinking epidemic. At the rear is the "invisible epidemic" which is "Senior citizens who can't control their drinking."

I didn't know the drinking epidemic was that bad. So, everybody raise their right hand and repeat after me: Lips that touch wine will never touch mine. (By the way, in case you're hesitant to take this pledge, it says nothing about you not drinking, only people you might kiss. If you drink with your buddies you have nothing to worry about.)

Here are some more things that have been called epidemics: Traffic Deaths.  Insurance fraud.  Brain injury.  Nursing home care. Potholes.  Video game violence.  Workplace violence.  Gun violence.  Road rage.  SUVs. T here's also a national epidemic of trampoline related injuries.

Arizona not only had an epidemic of violence, but also drownings. (Yes, drownings.)

And if that's not enough to make you wet your pants, there's:

  • "Toxins in U.S. homes...an epidemic of hazardous living by any standard."

  • "The editors of the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) wrote, 'Obesity is epidemic.'"

  • "America is in the grips of a gambling 'epidemic.'"

  • "Tampa [Florida] deals with arson epidemic"

  • "THERE IS AN EPIDEMIC IN SOUTH FLORIDA" that is comprised of "lawyers and doctors" that are engaged in "Ambulance chasing."

  • "an 'epidemic' dropout rate among American Indian boys." (Maybe an epidemic is causing this epidemic.)

  • "IT IS AN EPIDEMIC! Worker Absenteeism and Turnover" (Once again, maybe this epidemic is due to another epidemic, maybe the BINGE DRINKING epidemic. God forbid it's not from the drowning epidemic.)

  • "EPIDEMIC OF ABUSE: POLICE HARASSMENT OF HIV/AIDS OUTREACH WORKERS IN INDIA"

Maybe those police are suffering from what a Harvard University professor says is going around; a rudeness epidemic.

What about cell phones you ask?

"Global epidemic: cell phone abuse"

"Presently there is an epidemic of inconsiderate use of the cell phone"

(These may be the same thing. I didn't read the articles)

Sex is one big epidemic:

  • "It's an oral sex epidemic" (According to Oprah.)

  • "Child sex abuse 'epidemic' in U.S."

  • "Epidemic: How Teen Sex Is Killing Our Kids"

  • "Study Says Child Sex Trade Reaches Epidemic in U.S."

  • "RAPE-An invisible epidemic"

  • "Black violence and sex assault 'is an epidemic'"

  • "The Epidemic of Bad Sex in Marriage"

  • "Sex email epidemic in accountancy" (Who said accountants were boring?)

  • "Epidemic of ''Spanic'' and Mexican sex crimes in Northern California"

Then there are some strange ones:

  • "Webjacking Epidemic" (People stealing people's web domain names)

  • "...reported cases of stalking are up by 32%. "The Stalking Epidemic"...The one-hour documentary..."

  • "recent epidemic of forest fires"

And when it comes to health:

  • "MFUME CALLS LEAD PAINT POISONING 'THE SILENT EPIDEMIC'"

  • "The asbestos epidemic - a global crisis"

  • "STRESS - The Epidemic of modern Society"

  • "Epidemic of Coronary Heart Disease"

  • "Diabetes Epidemic"

  • "The epidemic of prostate cancer"

  • "Greece faces lung cancer 'epidemic'"

  • "Mouth cancer epidemic on the way"

  • "...epidemic of oral cancer"

  • "US Thyroid Epidemic"

And not only is there a "Breast Cancer Epidemic" but the "BREAST CANCER EPIDEMIC CONTINUES"

(Sorry ladies, but it needed to be said. Some just haven't gotten the word yet. Like the public health official below.)

"It is too early to know if breast cancer may be epidemic among some segments of Sonoma County's population."

We have epidemics that won't go away:

  • "Youth Violence: Still An Epidemic"

  • "Britain back on the brink of violent crack epidemic"

  • "Again, reality show epidemic plagues fall television lineup" (Okay, I agree, that one's not that scary.)

And smuggling epidemics:

"Tobacco smuggling epidemic spells crisis for UK retailers"

  • "CIA Cocaine Smuggling Crack Epidemic" (We should get angry at this one.  The government doesn't need to stick its nose into everything.)

  • "Turkey struggles with national epidemic: primate smuggling"

Looking into the future:

  • "The baby boomer generation is looking at a future dementia epidemic."

  • "...twenty years from now current cell phone use will cause an epidemic of brain cancer."

Finally, there's the, not epidemics, but epidemic proportions category:

  • "The use of crystal methamphetamine has reached epidemic proportions among gay and bisexual men." (This must mean meth is popular and somebody doesn't like that.)

  • "Cancer is reaching epidemic proportions."

  • "Asthma has reached epidemic proportions."

  • "It's disabling and sometimes fatal. It's reached epidemic proportions. Has depression become a way of life?"

Yes it has, and it's because of all these damned epidemics.

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