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Atlanta,
Ga. July 13, 2007– In a joint press conference on Friday, the World Health Organization and
the US Centesr for Disease Control and Prevention announced that the premature
death of a Montana man will be caused by exposure to Second Hand Smoke.
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Dr.
Margaret Chan is besieged by the media after leaving the press
conference |
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“After extensive
conversation with the SAMMEC computers and after long and grueling hours of
torturing the data until it told us what we want to hear, we are finally
prepared to definitively state that Richard Mooreheads’ death will be a direct
result of his exposure to Second Hand Smoke.” Said WHO Director-General Dr.
Margaret Chan “We can find no other logical reason for Mr. Moorehead's soon to be
tragic demise other than his exposure to SHS.”
The soon to be
deceased Mr. Moorehead, 54, an unemployed HIV positive, type 2 diabetic, MS, ALS
and kidney dialysis patient who is addicted to crystal meth and heroin, was
shocked and visibly angry when told of his diagnosis and cause of death. Reached
at his home in an exclusive gated trailer park community in Missoula, MT, Mr. Moorehead blamed his impending death on the careless brutes with cigarettes down
at Jim’s Roadhouse Bar on Highway 263. “I’ve never smoked tobacco in my life.
But that darn Jim’s Bar was always filled with that there smoke.”
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The soon
to be deceased Richard Moorehead in a photo taken weeks or maybe even
days prior to his death |
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Second Hand
Smoke, also known as environmental tobacco smoke (ETS) is a mixture of the smoke
given off by the burning end of a cigarette, pipe or cigar and the smoke exhaled
from the lungs of a smoker. It causes an estimated 450,000 deaths per day,
according to health authorities, Al Gore and Dionne Warwick’s Psychic Friends
Network. It’s also been known to cause AIDS, herpes, hemorrhoids, athlete’s foot
and jock itch.
Anti-smoking
activists around the globe celebrated the announcement. They noted that up
until now, the millions of “deaths” attributed to ETS have been merely computer
generated printouts.
“This is very
significant news,” said James Repace of Repace Associates, a Second Hand Smoke
think tank based in Bowie, Md. “I’m looking forward to attending a real live
funeral! What should I wear?”
Montana State
Medical Examiner Gary Dale has already printed Mr. Moorehead’s death certificate
but he urged caution and promised a full and fair investigation into the cause
of death.
“Of course we are
not exactly sure where Mr. Morehead will be when he dies. He might be stabbed
during a drug deal gone wrong. He could be shot by one of his 4 ex-wives as
payback for his physical abuse and failure to pay alimony and child support. He
could crash his pickup into an SUV while driving the wrong way down the highway
with a BAC of .45. My money in the office pool is on an overdose. We simply do
not know. Wherever he is, I’ve been instructed by higher authorities to make
sure there is somebody smoking a pipe, cigar or cigarette nearby.”
Dale also made it
clear that Mr. Morehead will not suffer and he will not feel any pain since
he’ll probably be high on PCP or heroin at the time of his death. He
cautioned, however, that there will be plenty of gratuitous violence involved.
“Is going to be
horrible.” Said Ernesto Sanchez, a local undocumented day laborer who will
witness. Mooreheads’ death “Senor will be choking and coughing and gasping for
air. I’ll see de whole thing.”
Mr. Moorehead will
be taken to St. Patrick’s Hospital where he will be pronounced dead.
The Montana State
Attorney General has already stated that foul play will definitely not be a
factor in Mr. Moorehead’s death and there is no reason to investigate. “As long
as our State and our partners in crime at the Big Tobacco companies in the MSA
Tobacco Cartel continue to make a pile of cash, we don’t really give a rat’s ass
who dies or from what. If you try to ban cigarettes I’ll sue you.”
Calls to Philip
Morris seeking comment were referred to an attorney at Action on Smoking and
Health (ASH), where spokesman John Banzhaf was quoted as saying “On behalf of
the guilty Big Tobacco companies, let me just state that we are in full
agreement with whatever statement the health groups make. We don’t know what the
statements are yet, but whatever they may be we totally agree.”
News of Mr.
Mooreheads’ imminent death has sparked a renewed call for a statewide smoking
ban in private business establishments to “level the playing field”. More than a
dozen states and hundreds of cities and counties around the country ban smoking
in restaurants, bars, or both. Montana does neither. Ben Dover, a spokesman for
Smoke Free Montana, wants to change that.
His efforts are
not being backed by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, taxpayer funded groups
that reap money from MSA payments or pharmaceutical companies that benefit from
smoking bans because it increases the demand for their Nicotine Replacement
Therapy products. He insists that Smoke Free Montana’s budget of $50,000,000
comes strictly from small grass roots good Samaritans who are acting out of an
altruistic concern for their fellow man.
He does,
however, have the support of Rep. Eve Franklin (D-Great Falls) who has
introduced a bill, HB 0666; The Montana Clean Indoor Air Act, in the state
legislature.
Reading from
the laminated talking points provided to her by Mr. Dover, Rep. Franklin
insisted “This bill is necessary to protect bar and restaurant employees and
patrons from the deadly effects of Second Hand Smoke. Nobody should have to
choose between their health and a paycheck. There is no safe level of exposure
to SHS.”
Ms. Franklin
was referring, of course, to the now famous comments made by former US Surgeon
General Richard Carmona.
In June 2006,
Carmona provided some needed ammunition for tobacco control advocates. His
report concluded that there is no safe level of SHS exposure, making tobacco
smoke unique in that regard as opposed to Sarin Gas, asbestos, or the ebola
virus which, he says, pose no harm to humans in minute quantities.
His findings
shocked Epidemiologists and Toxicologists around the world. Carmona’s term as
Surgeon General was not renewed by the Bush Administration and he has been
replaced by a cardboard cutout. He has since moved on to a more prestigious
position as a towel boy and masseuse for the Canyon Ranch Resort and Spa in
Arizona.
In a hastily
called news conference from a bathroom stall in the men’s room, Mr. Carmona
responded to the news of Mr. Mooreheads’ imminent death.
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Former
U.S. Surgeon General Richard Carmona at the AZ spa press conference |
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Admiral C. Everett Koop. Amish Navy Battleship Division |
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“See, I told
you so! Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya na! There is no safe level of exposure to SHS,
even a small amount causes cardiovascular disease and cancer.” He said, “The
best way for non-smokers to protect themselves is to immediately begin smoking.
Why should smokers even bother to quit, the SHS will kill them anyway.”
Responding to a
reporters inquiry that his talking points were found nowhere in the report and
an assertion that his “new study” contained no new evidence and was merely a
repeat of former Surgeon General C. Everett Koops’ report released in 1986 at a
politically opportune time as anti tobacco activists press for smoking bans in
states across the country, Carmona bristled. He made it clear that producing
such a report is not difficult. All he and Koop had to do was take the studies
that supported their preconceived outcome and put them into a fancy bound
presentation. Then throw the studies that disagreed with them into the
fireplace.
After releasing
the report to the eager left wing media partners, he and Koop only had to sit
back and watch leftist public serpents do the rest. Mr. Carmona insists that he
is not jealous of his predecessor.
“Screw Koop. How
can anyone take him seriously? He looks like the commander of an Amish
Battleship for crying out loud!”
Carmona exclaimed.
Ben Dover
takes the crusade and his $250,000 per year job very seriously.
Citing the 1993
ASSIST (American Stop Smoking Intervention Study), he maintains that smoker
bans and high tobacco taxes are a critical method to achieve the goals of
“reducing public tolerance for tobacco use” and reducing smoking rates.
“We must
stop people from being able to smoke in bars and restaurants”, Mr. Dover said
“It’s a matter of public health.”
Seeking to
ease concerns from reluctant state legislators, Mr. Dover and Ms. Franklin made
it clear that the ban would only apply to the unwashed masses in the proletariet
who enjoy a beer and a cigarette at the local bar after a hard day’s work.
“Cigar Bars” where the bourgeois ruling elite go to smoke $150 Montechristo
cigars and drink Johnnie Walker Blue at $25 per glass would be exempt. In
addition, the casinos who pour hundreds of millions of dollars of tax revenue
into state coffers would also be exempt.
Bars and
taverns would not be so lucky.
Jim
Thompson, the owner of Jim’s Roadhouse Bar says he remembers Mr. Moorehead very
well and was saddened by the news. “Sure I remember Dick. He was my best
customer. He drank so much booze that he practically put my two kids through
college by himself. He would just sign over his disability check on the first of
each month to pay his bar tab.”
Thompson
also said Moorehead still holds the record for the most chicken wings ever
consumed in 12 minutes, 198 wings, in the history of the bars legendary
competition. He says he hasn’t seen Moorehead since the incident nearly 2 years
ago when he was beaten and hospitalized by a group of Hell’s Angels when he
complained about their smoking.
Reaction to
the proposed smoking ban was mixed among the patrons at Jim’s.
Winthrop
Smith, a patent attorney from Boston who was in town on his annual fishing and
golf vacation said he would welcome a ban.
“I hate
smoke in bars. It should be banned just in case I ever decide to come back to
this place next year.” He said.
The regular
patrons and employees at Jim’s, most of whom smoke, were unavailable for comment
because they were too busy playing pool and debating health care reform in the
back room. In the interest of equal time, the editors of this column felt it was
necessary to put in the typical standard quote from the witless bar patron in
such articles.
“I dunno,
you know, it’s a bar, we should be able to smoke if we wants.” Said faceless
Goober.
Despite the
hysteria, many scientists and epidemiologists around the world remain skeptical
about the health hazards of Environmental Tobacco Smoke, citing a lack of
scientific evidence or studies that show a statistically significant correlation
between ETS and heart disease or cancer. Mr. Dover dismissed those concerns,
citing the 1993 ASSIST (American Stop Smoking Intervention Study), which
determined that smoking bans were an important element in reducing smoking rates
nationwide.
“We don’t
need to be right. We just need to convince a majority of gullible part time
state legislators in this state and the general public that we are right.” He
said “Once smokers are kicked out of their favorite bar or restaurant, it will
coerce them to quit smoking for their own good.”
All of this
is of course too little and too late to save Mr. Moorehead. He’s a dead man
walking.
Viewing will be
held at Bob’s Discount Drive Thru Funeral Home. The funeral will be at the
Church of the Worthless Miracle. In lieu of flowers, the family and his landlord
have asked that donations be made to “Trailer Park Estates, LLC” to pay for the
2 years of unpaid back rent that Mr. Moorehead owes.
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