Atlanta,Ga. July 13, 2007– In a joint press conference on Friday, the World Health Organization andthe US Centesr for Disease Control and Prevention announced that the prematuredeath of a Montana man will be caused by exposure to Second Hand Smoke.
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| Dr.Margaret Chan is besieged by the media after leaving the pressconference |
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“After extensiveconversation with the SAMMEC computers and after long and grueling hours oftorturing the data until it told us what we want to hear, we are finallyprepared to definitively state that Richard Mooreheads’ death will be a directresult of his exposure to Second Hand Smoke.” Said WHO Director-General Dr.Margaret Chan “We can find no other logical reason for Mr. Moorehead's soon to betragic demise other than his exposure to SHS.”
The soon to bedeceased Mr. Moorehead, 54, an unemployed HIV positive, type 2 diabetic, MS, ALSand kidney dialysis patient who is addicted to crystal meth and heroin, wasshocked and visibly angry when told of his diagnosis and cause of death. Reachedat his home in an exclusive gated trailer park community in Missoula, MT, Mr. Moorehead blamed his impending death on the careless brutes with cigarettes downat Jim’s Roadhouse Bar on Highway 263. “I’ve never smoked tobacco in my life. But that darn Jim’s Bar was always filled with that there smoke.”
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| The soonto be deceased Richard Moorehead in a photo taken weeks or maybe evendays prior to his death |
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Second HandSmoke, also known as environmental tobacco smoke (ETS) is a mixture of the smokegiven off by the burning end of a cigarette, pipe or cigar and the smoke exhaledfrom the lungs of a smoker. It causes an estimated 450,000 deaths per day,according to health authorities, Al Gore and Dionne Warwick’s Psychic FriendsNetwork. It’s also been known to cause AIDS, herpes, hemorrhoids, athlete’s footand jock itch.
Anti-smokingactivists around the globe celebrated the announcement. They noted that upuntil now, the millions of “deaths” attributed to ETS have been merely computergenerated printouts.
“This is verysignificant news,” said James Repace of Repace Associates, a Second Hand Smokethink tank based in Bowie, Md. “I’m looking forward to attending a real livefuneral! What should I wear"”
Montana StateMedical Examiner Gary Dale has already printed Mr. Moorehead’s death certificatebut he urged caution and promised a full and fair investigation into the causeof death.
“Of course we arenot exactly sure where Mr. Morehead will be when he dies. He might be stabbedduring a drug deal gone wrong. He could be shot by one of his 4 ex-wives aspayback for his physical abuse and failure to pay alimony and child support. Hecould crash his pickup into an SUV while driving the wrong way down the highwaywith a BAC of .45. My money in the office pool is on an overdose. We simply donot know. Wherever he is, I’ve been instructed by higher authorities to makesure there is somebody smoking a pipe, cigar or cigarette nearby.”
Dale also made itclear that Mr. Morehead will not suffer and he will not feel any pain sincehe’ll probably be high on PCP or heroin at the time of his death. Hecautioned, however, that there will be plenty of gratuitous violence involved.
“Is going to behorrible.” Said Ernesto Sanchez, a local undocumented day laborer who willwitness. Mooreheads’ death “Senor will be choking and coughing and gasping forair. I’ll see de whole thing.”
Mr. Moorehead willbe taken to St. Patrick’s Hospital where he will be pronounced dead.
The Montana StateAttorney General has already stated that foul play will definitely not be afactor in Mr. Moorehead’s death and there is no reason to investigate. “As longas our State and our partners in crime at the Big Tobacco companies in the MSATobacco Cartel continue to make a pile of cash, we don’t really give a rat’s asswho dies or from what. If you try to ban cigarettes I’ll sue you.”
Calls to PhilipMorris seeking comment were referred to an attorney at Action on Smoking andHealth (ASH), where spokesman John Banzhaf was quoted as saying “On behalf ofthe guilty Big Tobacco companies, let me just state that we are in fullagreement with whatever statement the health groups make. We don’t know what thestatements are yet, but whatever they may be we totally agree.”
News of Mr.Mooreheads’ imminent death has sparked a renewed call for a statewide smokingban in private business establishments to “level the playing field”. More than adozen states and hundreds of cities and counties around the country ban smokingin restaurants, bars, or both. Montana does neither. Ben Dover, a spokesman forSmoke Free Montana, wants to change that.
His efforts arenot being backed by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, taxpayer funded groupsthat reap money from MSA payments or pharmaceutical companies that benefit fromsmoking bans because it increases the demand for their Nicotine ReplacementTherapy products. He insists that Smoke Free Montana’s budget of $50,000,000comes strictly from small grass roots good Samaritans who are acting out of analtruistic concern for their fellow man.
He does,however, have the support of Rep. Eve Franklin (D-Great Falls) who hasintroduced a bill, HB 0666; The Montana Clean Indoor Air Act, in the statelegislature.
Reading fromthe laminated talking points provided to her by Mr. Dover, Rep. Franklininsisted “This bill is necessary to protect bar and restaurant employees andpatrons from the deadly effects of Second Hand Smoke. Nobody should have tochoose between their health and a paycheck. There is no safe level of exposureto SHS.”
Ms. Franklinwas referring, of course, to the now famous comments made by former US SurgeonGeneral Richard Carmona.
In June 2006,Carmona provided some needed ammunition for tobacco control advocates. Hisreport concluded that there is no safe level of SHS exposure, making tobaccosmoke unique in that regard as opposed to Sarin Gas, asbestos, or the ebolavirus which, he says, pose no harm to humans in minute quantities.
His findingsshocked Epidemiologists and Toxicologists around the world. Carmona’s term asSurgeon General was not renewed by the Bush Administration and he has beenreplaced by a cardboard cutout. He has since moved on to a more prestigiousposition as a towel boy and masseuse for the Canyon Ranch Resort and Spa inArizona.
In a hastilycalled news conference from a bathroom stall in the men’s room, Mr. Carmonaresponded to the news of Mr. Mooreheads’ imminent death.
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| FormerU.S. Surgeon General Richard Carmona at the AZ spa press conference |
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| Admiral C. Everett Koop. Amish Navy Battleship Division |
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“See, I toldyou so! Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya na! There is no safe level of exposure to SHS,even a small amount causes cardiovascular disease and cancer.” He said, “Thebest way for non-smokers to protect themselves is to immediately begin smoking.Why should smokers even bother to quit, the SHS will kill them anyway.”
Responding to areporters inquiry that his talking points were found nowhere in the report andan assertion that his “new study” contained no new evidence and was merely arepeat of former Surgeon General C. Everett Koops’ report released in 1986 at apolitically opportune time as anti tobacco activists press for smoking bans instates across the country, Carmona bristled. He made it clear that producingsuch a report is not difficult. All he and Koop had to do was take the studiesthat supported their preconceived outcome and put them into a fancy boundpresentation. Then throw the studies that disagreed with them into thefireplace.
After releasingthe report to the eager left wing media partners, he and Koop only had to sitback and watch leftist public serpents do the rest. Mr. Carmona insists that heis not jealous of his predecessor.
“Screw Koop. Howcan anyone take him seriously" He looks like the commander of an AmishBattleship for crying out loud!”Carmona exclaimed.
Ben Dovertakes the crusade and his $250,000 per year job very seriously. Citing the 1993ASSIST (American Stop Smoking Intervention Study), he maintains that smokerbans and high tobacco taxes are a critical method to achieve the goals of“reducing public tolerance for tobacco use” and reducing smoking rates.
“We muststop people from being able to smoke in bars and restaurants”, Mr. Dover said“It’s a matter of public health.”
Seeking toease concerns from reluctant state legislators, Mr. Dover and Ms. Franklin madeit clear that the ban would only apply to the unwashed masses in the proletarietwho enjoy a beer and a cigarette at the local bar after a hard day’s work.“Cigar Bars” where the bourgeois ruling elite go to smoke $150 Montechristocigars and drink Johnnie Walker Blue at $25 per glass would be exempt. Inaddition, the casinos who pour hundreds of millions of dollars of tax revenueinto state coffers would also be exempt.
Bars andtaverns would not be so lucky.
JimThompson, the owner of Jim’s Roadhouse Bar says he remembers Mr. Moorehead verywell and was saddened by the news. “Sure I remember Dick. He was my bestcustomer. He drank so much booze that he practically put my two kids throughcollege by himself. He would just sign over his disability check on the first ofeach month to pay his bar tab.”
Thompsonalso said Moorehead still holds the record for the most chicken wings everconsumed in 12 minutes, 198 wings, in the history of the bars legendarycompetition. He says he hasn’t seen Moorehead since the incident nearly 2 yearsago when he was beaten and hospitalized by a group of Hell’s Angels when hecomplained about their smoking.
Reaction tothe proposed smoking ban was mixed among the patrons at Jim’s.
WinthropSmith, a patent attorney from Boston who was in town on his annual fishing andgolf vacation said he would welcome a ban.
“I hatesmoke in bars. It should be banned just in case I ever decide to come back tothis place next year.” He said.
The regularpatrons and employees at Jim’s, most of whom smoke, were unavailable for commentbecause they were too busy playing pool and debating health care reform in theback room. In the interest of equal time, the editors of this column felt it wasnecessary to put in the typical standard quote from the witless bar patron insuch articles.
“I dunno,you know, it’s a bar, we should be able to smoke if we wants.” Said facelessGoober.
Despite thehysteria, many scientists and epidemiologists around the world remain skepticalabout the health hazards of Environmental Tobacco Smoke, citing a lack ofscientific evidence or studies that show a statistically significant correlationbetween ETS and heart disease or cancer. Mr. Dover dismissed those concerns,citing the 1993 ASSIST (American Stop Smoking Intervention Study), whichdetermined that smoking bans were an important element in reducing smoking ratesnationwide.
“We don’tneed to be right. We just need to convince a majority of gullible part timestate legislators in this state and the general public that we are right.” Hesaid “Once smokers are kicked out of their favorite bar or restaurant, it willcoerce them to quit smoking for their own good.”
All of thisis of course too little and too late to save Mr. Moorehead. He’s a dead manwalking.
Viewing will beheld at Bob’s Discount Drive Thru Funeral Home. The funeral will be at theChurch of the Worthless Miracle. In lieu of flowers, the family and his landlordhave asked that donations be made to “Trailer Park Estates, LLC” to pay for the2 years of unpaid back rent that Mr. Moorehead owes.
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