August 4 -- ASSHOLE president Dr. John
Banzmoke today announced the
smoke-related death of the world's oldest person, Jeanne
Calment of France,
who was 122.
"It serves her right," says Banzmoke in a speech
given this morning at the
National Press Club in Washington. "If you smoke, you
are going to die.
Period. And this just goes to prove it once again."
"Golly, she should have known better at her age," he
added.
Banzmoke said he hoped to use the occasion of the woman's
death to call for
new legislation banning the sale of cigarettes to minors
under the age of 18
and to adults over the age of 17. "We have to legislate
both ends of the
life cycle," he said. "And this is the only way we
can do it."
Banzmoke, who was joined at the lectern by his colleagues and
mentors Dr. C.
Evera Krook and Congressman Henry Wackoman, said that the
fact that the
woman was a smoker and lived a long life does not mean their
statistics are
a fraud. "On the contrary," he continued, "it
proves our point all the more
effectively. Because if you can get away with smoking for a
whole century
like this damn woman did, that only goes to show how
important it is to pass
our legislation."
Dr. Krook added that this incident shows conclusively that
all deaths are
smoke related deaths.
Rep. Wackoman promised to introduce the bill in September.
"I think that
making the sale of cigarettes a capital offense is a bit too
much for now.
But later we will do that. Otherwise, with modern medicine
always making
advances, we might end up waiting a century for all the other
smokers to
die, too."
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