INSIDE NEWPORTMy first stop was at the Newport Harbour Elks Lodge and a seat at the piano bar in the smoking section. A lady at a nearby table kept getting up and opening a window that blew blasts of cold air on me. After i'd closed the window three times, and the woman had opened it an equal number, she said to me: "I'll make you a deal; if you stop smoking, I won't open the window anymore." I told her I hadn't smoked in 20 years and my "cigarette" couldn't smoke. I also pointed out she was seated in the smoking section of the room reserved for smokers. "I don't care," she screamed, ignoring my statement, "It's my table, I'm sitting at it, and you are making it impossible to enjoy my dinner." It looked like her purse was about to swing in my direction so I left. I went to Bandera in Corona del Mar. A waitress greeted me at Bandera's door and immediately noticed my "cigarette." "You're not coming here with that," she said firmly. I told her it wasn't a cigarette. She claimed she knew a cigarette when she saw one and wasn't about to examine "that dirty thing." She said Bandera's rules prohibited cigarettes, cigars and pipes of any kind. Out! At Marle Callendar's a woman in the next booth complained to the management she couldn't breathe because of my "cigarette" and wanted me thrown out of there too. A similar incident occurred at McDonalds on Coast Highway. And, you should have seen the excitement my phony cigarette caused at the Harbour Municipal Court building -- something you felt could quickly degenerate into a lynch mob. No sir! If you're a smoker today, you're about as welcome in some local places as Arafat in Tel Aviv. You mat want to tell those militant non-smokers that they're the reason for finding a new birth control that's retroactive. But, to save the hassle (and your health), better just keep that resolution as long as you can. Good luck!
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