TELL me this. I go to Belmont and spend the rent on a nag that runs into the night, and I sue the jockey for losing the race? The New York Racing Association? The horse?
I get gasolined in a gin mill and some guy gives me a knuckle and I am looking up at cats. I sue the whiskey company that made me cross-eyed? I sue the bar, to which I probably owe money?
I cover a story and the woman stabs to death her husband because they argue about what television channel to watch. I tell her to sue the knife company because knives are hazardous to your health?
OK, you've got the point.
This brings us to the sad and serious case of Roland "Eddie" Maddox, who last year departed the earth at 67. Lung cancer was his executioner.
Now, I have feelings for the family who lost a lovely guy.
But, it is very hard for me to tolerate what happened after Maddox waved goodbye: his family sued Brown & Williamson Tobacco Corp. for causing his death.
The court in Jacksonville, Fla., awarded the family $950,000 because old Roland was sucking down Lucky Strike cigarettes like they were oxygen.
Now, let's get it straight. My father smoked and he should not have. My mother smoked and she should not have. They died of lung cancer.
My wife smokes and she should not. I smoke and I should not.
This is our fault - mine, my parents, my wife.
I am responsible for my own actions. Am I wrong to smoke? Absolutely. But I am not going to blame someone else for my idiocy.
I promise you, I will not do cartwheels on the Long Island Expressway at rush hour. I would end up looking like a pancake. I am responsible for my own actions, no matter how misguided I might be.
Let's stop blaming the world every time the cards we are dealt don't add up to a royal flush.
Now, suddenly, the idea, the sermon on the mount, the great expose, that smoking is addictive.
Of course, it is and you shouldn't smoke. I never smoked when I was a kid. I played rugby and we knew it was bad for your wind.
I didn't start smoking until I was 42. I know the risks, just as much as if I took up sky-diving tomorrow.
Raoul Felder is an oft-quoted lawyer in my words. He is the best.
But, guess what? This man who makes his living out of the law said the following: "We have reduced lawsuits to the theater of the absurd.
"Heaven knows, the cigarette companies give you every kind of warning about the hazards of smoking.
"What do they have to do legally? Make sure you get hit over the head by someone every time you buy a pack of cigarettes?
"What do the courts or the government want to do? Make sure cigarette makers put a mouse trap in the pack so that every time you reach for a cigarette, your fingers get snapped?
"We all have to take some responsibility for the way we behave.
"You want to sue arms manufacturers because someone gets killed by a gun? I mean, seriously, when does it stop?"
Strange, but prophetic words, coming from a lawyer.
"These suits have done more for lawyers than the Magna Carta," he said.
I am sorry that Roland Maddox left the world before his three score and 10. But, even in court, evidence was produced that he referred to cigarettes as cancer sticks and nails in his coffin.
Addictive, sure as hell, and ol' Roland knew.
If I live to 67 - not too far away - like old Roland, after I have burned the candle at both ends and in the middle, I will tip my hat to the Almighty.
And if my kids sue a cigarette company or a liquor company, I will haunt them like Casper the Ghost.