The Purification Of Sesame Street
FORCES editors were invited to a star-studded sneak preview of the season premier of Sesame Street. Maryetta Ables was decked out in an evening gown along the red carpet as the glitterati arrived via limousines. Look, there's Elmo! Who's he with, why it's Whoopie Goldberg! Oh, wow, here comes Prairie Dawn, but oh, oh what is she wearing? Pearls with corduroy? How dreadful!
But the evening quickly became depressing when the lights dimmed and the curtain came down.
Special guest stars were John Banzhaf, Hitler and Goebels.
Cut to "Cookie Monster" on screen, speaking in his deep gravelly voice that sounds like Dikembe Motumbo.
Cookie Monster: Now, me eat...cookie! Yum, yum, yu...ow, hey!
John Banzhaf enters picture, grabs cookies and devours them in one bite.
Banzhaf: There are going to be some changes around here, I'm in charge now.
Cookie Monster: No, wait, give me cookieeee!
Goebels goosesteps on screen in full Nazi uniform and pistol whips Cookie Monster across the face with a German Luger pistol. He is followed into the room by Hitler and 3 SS soldiers.
Goebels: Joo have interfered Mr. Monster wit our plan for a master race of physically fit, fat free children.
Little Child 1: Hey leave him alone.
Hitler: Do joo know vut the punishment is for dis crime?
Cookie Monster: Me not care, me just want cookie.
Banzhaf: Here, eat these bruxelles sprouts.
Cookie Monster: No, me just want cookie!
Hitler now grabs the Luger from Goebels and whacks Cookie Monster on both sides of his head.
Cookie Monster: Ow, why you do that?
Banzhaf: Just eat the bruxelles sprouts.
Cookie Monster: (clearing his throat), Okay, okay. Now me eat... Bruxelles sprouts... (shoving in mouth)... yum, yum, oh what the fuck! This taste like garbage, what is this?
(2 SS soldier club him over the head and ribs with their machine guns)
Oscar the Grouch (popping up from his garbage can): Did somebody say garbage? I love garbage.
Banzhaf: Mr. Grouch, you have been teaching children to be surly, angry and mean for a generation. You should have been teaching them to be more kind and understanding.
(nods to SS soldiers)
SS soldiers shoot Oscar in the head. Green fur flies everywhere.
Hitler: Joo vill shut up and listen to us.
Cookie Monster: Fascist, Nazi bastard! Why you do this?
Hitler points back to sign that reads: "Your body belongs to the Fuhrer! You have a duty to be healthy. Food is not a private matter. Nazi Socialist Party slogan."
Goebels: Send this fat blue slob on the next train to Auschwitz.
(motions to SS soldiers who begin to drag him away)
Cookie Monster: Help, somebody help! Bert, Ernie, Grover, Elmo! Help!
(Grover swoops in wearing a cape)
Grover: Heeelllooooo Everybodeeeeee! It is I, you're furry pal Supergrover, coming to save the day.
Goebels: Look at joo, all skinny. You look like de prisoner who just escaped from Bergen-Belsen concentration camp. Grab him and send him back.
Grover: I may be skinny but I am wiry. Hiyaaa! (Lunges for SS soldiers in Karate chop motion but is beaten down like the 100 pound inmate at Rikers Island)
Hitler: Take dem both away.
Grover and Cookie Monster: Help! Save us, anybody.
To be continued...