06-Jun-1998 Saturday
"I don't want to get into insider trading or anything like that," the cabby
said. "But might I ask if you hold any stock in McDonald's or Swift?"
It was all I could do to suppress a smirk. Here's a guy pushing a hack and
deigning to give me, a journalist, tips on the stock market.
That's what I thought. What I said, suddenly aware of the possibility that
the cabby just might have overheard some passengers from the Antitrust
Division or Wall Street, was: "So you think McDonald's or Swift might be a
buy. Perhaps I'd better call my broker."
"You might as well call me," the cabby grinned. "I'm broker than anybody
you're likely to see today. But serious business, I think you missed my
point. I wasn't telling you to buy. I was going to tell you that if you
already own these stocks, you might want to sell."
"From what unimpeachable source does this hot tip derive?" I asked.
"It drives from right here," the cabby said. "I've decided to sue these
people, and I've been thinking of making it what you call a class-action
suit so maybe I can pick up a stray million or two. I expect the companies
will take a pretty major hit by the time we're done, so if you're holding .
. . "
"Let me get this straight," I said. "You're going to sue these big boys?
Don't tell me you found a human finger or something in your hamburger.
Their lawyers handle stuff like that all the time. They won't pay you a
dime. You'll be lucky if you don't wind up in jail trying something like
that."
"I'm suing for this," the cabby said, patting his rather ample belly. "And
furthermore and to wit, I've just had my physical, and my cholesterol is
up, not to mention my weight and my blood pressure. And here's the thing.
Think how many other people are having these same problems from eating fast
food like hamburgers and such. That's why I'm thinking class action. I'll
just throw in a meatpacking company and maybe a major french-fry grower as
a backup. You know any good lawyers?"
I was flabbergasted. "You are ruining your own health by eating fast-food
hamburgers and fries and you are going to sue them? Of all the nerve!"
"It's the American way," the cabby said. "Didn't you see where some
anti-gun people are talking about suing gun-makers because people are
shooting each other? Isn't every state in the union suing the tobacco
companies because tobacco is making people sick? And they're hauling in
serious bucks -- and balancing their budgets, too."
I explained the rationale behind the gun and tobacco litigation is that the
producers have knowingly sold what they know to be potentially
life-threatening products and, in the case of tobacco, may actually have
conspired to make their product more addictive. "Some people believe that
children and poor people are being directly targeted by the makers of
cigarettes and cheap guns," I told him.
"And I suppose burgers and fries are being marketed to Steve Forbes, Bill
Gates and the du Ponts," the cabby said. "You think they're not trying to
make Big Macs and Quarter-Pounders as addictive as they can? You think I
enjoy looking like this? They've hooked me is what they've done, and I'm
suing them for all they're worth."
"What we have here," I scolded him, "is a serious case of a person refusing
to accept responsibility for his choices and the consequences of his
actions. That, unfortunately, is par for the course in America. I remember
some guy got hurt when he tried to commit suicide by throwing himself in
front of a subway train; he sued the transit authority. A burglar tried to
break into a building, and when he fell through a skylight and hurt
himself, he sued. Pretty soon somebody's going to sue the newspaper because
the news got their blood pressure up."
"Great idea," the cabby said. "You want in on my suit?"
"Au contraire," I said. "I want out of your cab. Your childish insistence
on making someone else responsible for your own stupidity is more than I
can take."
I cut him one last nasty look as I exited, which may be why I didn't see
the curbstone some idiot of a contractor had put right where anybody
getting out of a cab could trip right over it. Which I did.
"Dangerous incompetent fool," I said. "I'll sue him for every cent he ever
hopes to make."