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Minnesota is home to the nation's largest enclosed shopping mall and, as of two weeks ago, one of
the world's largest collections of publicly available tobacco industry files. But while the Mall of America provides free parking, cheese curds and the top 300 or so places to buy women's shoes, the Minnesota Tobacco Documents Depository in Minneapolis has no such amenities. Fear not: It is only a matter of time and market pressure before the retail moguls take over this shrine to the anti-smoking movement and visitors from around the world are flocking to . . .
``Here at Camp Wheezy, we like to say that if smoking doesn't kill you, reading about smoking will definitely do the trick.
``But seriously folks, if you'll crowd in here, we'll begin the tour. Please try to remember whether you parked near the Dead Camel sign or by the statue of C. Everett Koala, our Camp Wheezy mascot.
``My name is Joe, and I'm a volunteer for the Minnesota Nonsmokers Brigade. I'll guide you through the exciting treasures here at Camp Wheezy. Just take a seat in the white cylindrical cars with the tan rear ends -- that's right, they're shaped just like a you-know-what. Kids, sit in the `filter' with the driver and take a pull on the `exhale' rope.
``Don't worry, Mom and Dad, it's not real tobacco smoke!
``The figures in this room tell the story of Minnesota's landmark lawsuit against the tobacco industry, which is now in its 15th year. Look out, kids! That belching, reeking monster is going to attack the back of the car! Oh, No, it's Nick O'Teen!
``He's been known to go after teen-agers with a vengeance. But who's flying to the rescue? That man in the cape -- it's Skip Cleanlungs, our state's chief tobacco fighter. Is that guy buff, or what?
``Look at the way Skip has forced Nick O'Teen back into his cave! Let's give Skip Cleanlungs a big round of applause!
``Bear in mind, your Camp Wheezy ticket stub will get you $2.50 off a mezzanine seat at the federal courthouse, plus a hot dog and a soft drink. Today, the trial enters the death penalty phase.
``If you'll exit the cars now, you'll be in the heart of our theme park. Visit the giant, inflated Tony the Trial Lawyer! Throw some change in Punitive Damages Pond! Take a spin on the Political Fallout Flume! And by all means, enjoy one of our delicious Phillip Morris Burgers -- they say if you have one, you gotta' have another!
``On your way out, please visit our gift shop. We specialize in nicotine gum, nicotine patches, nicotine brownies, and nicotine-laced Kool-Aid for larger anti-smoking parties.
``On behalf of the entire staff of Camp Wheezy, we hope you enjoy your stay. And when you go home, remember the two words that made Minnesota great: Nooooo Smoking!''