CONGRESS APPROVES THE AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans
With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for
more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton
shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon
millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses. The Americans with No
Abilities League (ANAL) was a major supporter of the bill.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own-- do not possess the
talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said
Clinton, a longtime ANAL supporter.
"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork:
Xeroxing documents written by others, filling out mail-in rebates for Black & Decker
toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for
these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up
through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding
"middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for ANAL
persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory,
non-performance- based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of
upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers,
including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented
hirees.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent
discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such
job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and
"Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As an ANAL person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who
have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an
unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack
of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the
passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other
untalented, unessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said long-time ANAL member Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human
beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value
to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."