A Near Future After Dinner Dose Of Pc Fda Nicotine

HUMOUR

A NEAR FUTURE AFTER DINNER DOSE OF PC FDA NICOTINE

by Smokin' Joe

July, 2005

It was another hot night in the South Bay.My significant other and I were closing in thetenth anniversary of full fledged partnership. Okay, maybe no kids to show for our continued " life partner co-habitation ", but you couldn't blame it on the lack of trying. Since the beginning we had performed, many times, well prepared sessions of " mutually acceptable, "reproductionally" motivatedphysical intimacy ". More popularly known as " husband species continuation rape ". Unfortunately, the " Universe Leader ", a big friendly invisible power of unidentified gender type, who probably doesn'texist anyway, had refused to bless us and we couldn'teven sue him godamnit.

So plainly put, we were Dinks. Dinks with a big, if not empty, celebration to announce to our closest friends.My wife (oops sorry) called up two of her couple friends to invite and I did the same. It was our mutually agreed upon, anti -patriarchal , mutual agreement ..or something like that. I got my best friend Bob on the phone.

" Hey Bob, Alicia and I are celebrating our big number ten in a few days...how about you and Grace coming along for a fun evening " "
" Sounds good Joe ! Who else are you inviting " "
" I'm gonna call Mike and Louise next and Alicia is inviting four of her favourites. I can't guarantee you'll know them.... but what the hell, it's a party. "
" You're on Joe, "
was his enthusiastic reply.

Well, three days later a great evening had begun in earnest. We were all in a great and fine fettle. And why shouldn't we be, it reflected the clear and presentmood of the country. Al Gore was beginning his second term as president and it wasway party time nation-wide you betcha. We were just frisky little fish swimming with the big happy school. There was only one problem. One fatal catch. As it turned out, the entire band, that is, all of us, were closet smokers. It was purely a coincidence I swear... but it was a reality just the same. It had first became evident when we met at my house for introductions, handshakes, hors d'oevres and cocktails. People kept disappearing. They were going outside for a smoke. WhenAlicia finally put two and two together we all laughed. " We all smoke, what a coincidence ha ha ha ha. " I promptly turned off the " Good Neighbour " California State mandated house tobacco smoke alarms and Alicia pushed the big Tahiti plant in front of the " Federal Home Health Safety Camera " Then we all lit up. Some more drinks and a few black market Brazilian Winstons and we were off.

We drove north to theCity, San Francisco, with all of us divided intotwo electric SUVs'. Sure, at 25 miles per hour it took us awhile but what the hell, we were happy, we were saving the universe. Well my friends it was quite a night and we all had one hell of an appetite I mean to tell you. We men argued, of course, about the best places to take our partners but in the end we all agreed on Lewinski's Italian Grotto.

What a feast! Seemingly hundreds of courses were set before our table to the oohs and ahhs of everyone. A special cake was presented after dinner with sparklers in the place of candles. The entire restaurant applauded. And then,..... lightning struck. Bob, mybest friend of twenty years who was best man at the wedding, committed, in his drunkenness, the unpardonable sin....yes, he lit a tiny white smokepole.

A woman at the neighbouring table screamed, coughed and fainted dead away. Her husband wet a handkerchief and between oaths loudly threatened to sue. The restaurant manager came out and snatched up every dinner bill from every table but ours. Hecalled for public calm and guaranteed that no table would pay for their dinner that night.Then, frantically waving his hands, he made a brief speech.

" My derra frenzz...you musta not to paneek...itsa onlee a cigaretta. Shurra de smoga iza no gooda foh you butta nevahmind dees. Look, you no pay okay for tonite. Nevahmina you, Lewinkski's hezza payin everty ting okay ! Now I gotta spezial ting I wanna show you. Itsa pretty new. My waitress she bringa dis stuff out. "

A moment later a waitress came to our table with what looked like a tray of white minnows. On closer inspection the minnows appeared to be silver wrapped bullets. I looked at Alicia. She just shook her head in puzzlement. The maitre de spoke again.

" We alla know dat cigarettes iza finished here anna nobody hezza smoke no more inna California. But becauza some people dey still smoka somatime anna needa some nicotine, wella de FDA hazza make someting dat for to replaca decigarettes and give you somma nicotine. For dese people here who needa too bad sommanicotine Lewinskis' hezza offer some of dese. Itsa nicotine suppository. You watch. Bud donnayou worry, hits not maika any smoke. "

Honoured at being the first totest out the FDA's and Al Gore's smokeless solution to mad nicotine addiction in public, I eagerly volunteered to be the first to insert the little FDA torpedo.Fairly trembling by now from cigarette withdrawal symptoms I split open a packet while Alicia undid my trousers. But my hands were shaking too much. " Here honey, you do it, " I said as I presented her my open anus. In no time flat my wife, with the aid of a bread stick, had pushed the greasy reliever deep into my rectum. Almost immediately I felt as though I had just chained smoked five, non filtered Lucky Strikes.I was, needles to say, immediately grateful to California, the FDA, Al Gore and the whole United States government. It only took the look in my eyes to convince everyone in sight and soon the whole restaurant was stripping from the waist down. " Hey, don't hog those things, I'm trying to quit here and I haven't had a smoke in four days ! "

What had previously been a tense moment, because of Bob'searlier " faux pas ", had now turned into a happy, restaurant wide, FDA smokeless nicotine delivery celebration. Sure it was a little strange at first to see the bank manager at the next table with legs up and his wife forcing the last quarter inch of theshiny , smokeless invader into his resistingbrown starfish with the handle of a butter knife, but what the hell ! At least we weren't killing our fellow citizens with second hand smoke.

And now, days later with the dust settled I can look back and be proud. Yes proud. For I know, that whatever the obstacle and whatever the cost, America's government will always find a solution that guarantees the maintenance of individual freedom for all Americans.

Smokin' Joe

Published on December 3, 1999 with permission from the author

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