With all the turmoil in Washington D.C. about President Clinton's preference for oral sex with interns and bimbos, it occurred to me what his hidden agenda could be in naming his dog "Buddy."

Times get hard, and the pickin's slim, when the bimbos and interns realize that sucking up to the president could get them a spot in the prime-time evening network news. Buddy is the emergency back-up for when Bill gets the urge.

Which is why Buddy has been designated the official First Lap Dog.

I understand that anti-tobacco activists have added another exemption to the new tobacco taxes. The exemption includes cigars and dog trainers. Really, how else can Bill share a good cigar after sex?

Next we'll hear that Bill wants to expand Medicare to include orthodontic veterinary services. It seems there is a growing health care crisis concerning removable dentures for dogs.

We'll know we're in deep trouble when ol' Bill gets glassy-eyed lookin' at Buddy, and when it hits the news that Bill's favourite movie is "Mad Dog Wagging."

Where's a good animal right activist when we need one?