Barry Cryer

The British comedy writer and raconteur tells FORCES to…lighten up!

JL:Where did you first start smoking?

BC: Leeds grammer school.  I am the cliché – behind the bike sheds.  Thought it was clever. Dunhills, I remember, brown and white packet.  And the stories you remember of cigarette brands that nobody mentions anymore.  Passing Cloud, Balkan Sobranie, strange, strange things with exotic names.  And who was it that used to do, “and four for your friends”? They sold you a packet of twenty cigarettes, in which there were 16 little cardboard compartments, “and four for your friends.” I did have a pipe-smoking period.  I used to smoke Condor – they smelled like bananas. Seriously. I loved it but I was too lazy to be a pipe smoker, because of all that business with the punch, the tamper, and the rocker – isn’t that the same thing as tamper?  Haven’t heard that word used for years.

JL: What do you smoke now?

BC: Menthol cigarettes – Consulates. Been smoking them for years. Introduced to them by the great comedian, Norman Evans – who was asthmatic and had been told to stop.  His doctor actually said to him, “Well if you’ve really got to do it, you madman, smoke menthol.” And Norman got it wrong, he thought he’d said "herbal". And he was smoking these and said to his doctor, “It’s driving me mad.”   And his doctor said, “You are mad. I said menthol.”  I didn’t know Consulates had been going for so long, “Cool as a mountain stream.” Norman told me they were going before the second world war.  Anyway, I’ve got the minty taste, and I love it. You’re either lucky or unlucky with Consulates. When you take the packet out most people go, “Ooh no, no offense, no thank you.” But there’s always somebody who says, “Ooh, I wouldn’t mind one of those.” And they keep coming at you.   But usually you can’t give them away, so you’re safe.

JL: A lot of old comedians used to smoke for the timing.  Have you experienced that?

BC: Yeah. Not now. I don’t know a single smoker amongst the young comics.  Draw your own conclusions.  I get angry when people say to me, at my age, “What do you think of these young comics?”  Their voices give it all way, like, you think they’re crap and they don’t. Every generation is the same – the current one is brilliant. Many of them are great friends of mine.

JL: What do you say when somebody asks you to put your fag out?

BC: Well, I respect it.  To be fair to myself, I haven’t lit up in a situation where somebody might say this.  And I’m old enough to remember when you lit a cigarette in somebody’s house, or someone’s car and never thought about it.

JL: Who would you most like to share a smoke with, alive or dead?

BC: George Burns. He was my idol. I worked with George a couple of times and he did a double act with his wife, Gracie.  He was in his fifties when he started and died when he was 100.  And Burns had been playing the ‘old man’ for fifty years. Then I got the white hair.  Now, very luckily, I work with a lot of the young comics, all the time.  And I thought, what card have you got to play in this game? The old card – I’m the old man. I’m Uncle Baz to all the young comics.  It’s a thrill for me. I love it. And it was George Burns who gave me the idea.  So now a lot of the young comics think I’m about 80! And I smoke as well.  All smokers love an old smoker. In my local pub in Hatch End, I used to see Harry, God Rest Him, a chain-smoker who died last year.  Just like George Burns, he also lived to 100. Harry was nearly blind and used to shuffle into the pub, on his own, from his home down the road.  He’d sit in the corner and, God Love Him, he hardly ever bought a pint the last years of his life.  Harry, who was an ex-army officer, told me once, “Three cigarettes to a pint, Barry, is my limit.” And I thought, "You’re my manqué." This isn’t an advert for smoking, at all.  It’s a bloody lottery. Three cigarettes to a pint.  What’s it all about?

JL: Is smoking cool?

BC: Oh, not now.  We’re social lepers.

JL: Do you smoke after sex?

BC: You’re not expecting me to say, “I’ve never looked” are you?

JL: No.

BC: I’ve cut down on both.

JL: Ever set fire to a bed?

BC: I was accused of it but in my defense I said the bed was already on fire when I got into it.

JL: What is your favourite smoking moment?

BC: Norman Evans and I were at the Alexandra Gardens, Weymouth, sorry to place-drop, and it was an all wooden theatre. It was the late fifties. In those days you didn’t see ‘No smoking’ signs, not really.  Nobody bothered.  But they had ‘No smoking’ signs all over this theatre because it was all wooden. Norman was not a well man and he had a dressing room near the stage because he had trouble walking.  You couldn’t see his dressing room for the smoke.  His wife used to fry sausages on a gas ring in his dressing room.  My favourite smoking memory is me and Norman Evans smoking menthol cigarettes to which I had been newly introduced by him, under a large ‘No smoking’ sign.

JL: Whose doorway would you like most to smoke in?

BC: Britney Spears.

JL: Have you ever thought of giving up smoking?

BC: Endlessly.  All smokers have.

JL: Have you ever done anything about it?

BC: Yes. Six months without smoking, years ago.

JL: Do you see yourself giving it up now?

BC: No. The sad thing is we all know we enjoy it.  We’re addicted, let’s be honest.

JL: You smoked a lot on on the TV show, 'Jokers Wild', which they’re now repeating on Granada Plus.

BC: Yeah.  I’ve watched one or two, only to watch the others, I can assure you. I had a lot of big black hair in those days and horn-rimmed glasses.  I met a guy in Birmingham last year who said, “I’ve been watching that programme the other night, the one where all the comedians keep ribbing each other.  And that chairman doesn’t half look like you. Was it your son?”  True story.  We were all smoking.  We had ashtrays. I would be seen putting a cigarette out before I asked a question. A lot of the comics in  those days were smoking. The other day I thought, ‘Who was the last person you saw smoking on television?’  My old friend Willy Rushton was once on live television early in the morning with his arm hanging down the back of the settee, and you could see the smoke coming out. And then I thought it was Peter Cook, on a Clive James show. Peter was defiant, and he came on and said something immediately totally incorrect.  And then I thought, no, it wasn’t Peter. The last person I saw smoking on television was Jimmy Savile on 'Have I Got News For You', who lit a cigar when he came on.

JL: Know any good smoking jokes?

BC: There were two guys in the pub and one says, "I’ll see you tomorrow." And the other one says, "No you won’t.  I’ll see you a fortnight tomorrow, I’m going on holiday." So the first one says, "Oh God, would you bring me back some cigarettes?” The other one says, "Course I will."  So they meet a fortnight later, and the guy’s got a big carton.  So the man says, "Thank you very much.  How much do I owe you?" And the other guy says, "Seventy-six quid." The first man says, "Seventy-six quid! Where did you go?" And other guy says, "Bournemouth."