In My Anus. Jl

What Cigars Do You Smoke Now?

Kinky Friedman

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James Leavey's Corner
  By James Leavey

For the introduction to this interview, see: The day JamesLeavey first met Kinky Friedman

JL: Where did you firststart smoking"

KF: In my anus.

JL:What cigars do you smoke now"


KF: Now, I smoke themin my mouth. Orally.  I enjoy any kind of Cuban cigars that I canget hold of.  I like Montecristo No. 2s, and Epicure No. 2s.  Ismoke cigars that are big, like a Negro penis.

JL: Why"

KF: It’s a Freudianthing, an oral fixation.  I think that probably all men who smokecigars do it unconsciously.  Now African-Americans who smoke cigars– I don’t know why they do this.  That’s a good question.  MaybeAfrican-Americans like to smoke a Negro penis subconsciously too. There’s definitely an oral fixation here, and there’s something veryFreudian going on.  But I don’t like to look too hard.  That said,cigars, like love, are often better the second time around. I don’tlike to think about that too much either.

JL:How many cigars do you smoke"

KF: I smoke as many asten cigars a day and I expect to live forever.  Of course, I don’tinhale.  I just blow the smoke at small children, green plants,vegetarians, and anybody who happens to be jogging by at the sametime I’m exhaling.

JL:Who’s your favourite smoker-friendly literary character"

KF: I guessSherlock Holmes.  He equated certain things as being three-pipeproblems. I know what he’s talking about. There are certain tasks Ican almost tell you how many cigars they are gonna take.  I wrote ashort story last night about nine pages long, and it was athree-cigar situation.  And they had to be the right cigars – Cubancigars – which I guess are the only ones that have a certain, Idon’t know what it is… I’ve become a vegetarian now - so that mayaffect certain things – for the past seven weeks, but I probablywon’t be forever.  Big meaty cigars are the only things that I eat,other than pussy.

JL: What kind of songs do you like to smoke to"

KF: I only smoke when I’msinging, 'cos I don’t listen to music much. So music is kind ofirrelevant to me, 'cos I’ve heard too much music already.  I preferthe sound of silence.  I prefer smoking and typing, probably toanything.  These days I’m very married to my typewriter 'cos I havea lot of ongoing projects.  Currently I have four dogs, four womenand four editors.  And this requires more than four cigars a day.

JL:Do you smoke more when you’re writing"


KF: Yeah, without asdoubt. When I’m writing and there’s no time I may write up to 2 or 3in the morning, or later.  Then I may smoke not quite up to theWinston Churchill level but I would smoke probably more the ThomasEdison/Mark Twain level, of twelve cigars maybe.  I’m either waitingto die of throat cancer or something like that.  That could happen. But now that I’m a vegetarian, I think I’m much healthier. Althoughthat’s not the reason why I became a vegetarian, I’d just like tosay that now. I’m a vegetarian because I wanna be kind to animals,and to be morally superior to other people.

JL: Tell me about the day youwere invited to dinner at the White House.

KF: We just did a Dutchdocumentary that’s coming out called ‘Proud to be an Asshole from ElPaso’, in which they interviewed Clinton about me and my books, andhe read some passages from the books.  And he recounted the time Iwent to the White House for dinner and how I gave him a Cubancigar. And he said, ‘Uh, you know, that’s illegal in this country’.And there were a lot of people around and all that, and he said,‘You can’t do that here.’ And I said, ‘Just remember, Mr President,don’t think of it as supporting their economy, think of it asburning their fields.’  I’m going to see President Bush in the firstweek of October, and do a reading for him. We’re Pen-Pals now.

JL: Does George smoke"

KF: George does smoke –he smokes cigars. I don’t know if he smokes Cubans, or not.  We’llfind out what he smokes. I’ve never smoke with him really – but Iguess I will. I’m a friend of friend of Presidents.  I belong to avery small group  - including Bernard Beruch, Jesse Jackson andBilly Graham.  None of them is in very good shape at the moment, Ithink.  I guess it goes with the territory.

JL: You’re working on abook with your pal Willie Nelson. Does Willie Nelson still smoke, orhas he packed it in"

KF: Willie still smokesan occasional cigar.  He still smokes enough dope, it’s justincredible…  I was on the bus with him last week and I was standingback to back with this very attractive young woman, and I told him,‘I’m not sure which of us is taller, but her ass is six incheshigher than mine.’  To which Willie responded, ‘My ass is higherthan both of your asses.’ At any rate, yes, Willie definitely smokesenough marihuana to choke an iguana.

JL: Are you ever gonnawrite a book when nobody smokes in it"

KF: No.  Well, it could happen.  I’m working on a non-Kinky novelright now and I’m almost done with it, about three people who aretrying to blow up Starbucks in New York.  I have two books comingout this fall: ‘Stepping on a Rainbow’, which is a mystery, withSimon & Schuster, and then, in October, HarperCollins is coming outwith ‘Kinky Friedman’s Guide to Texas Etiquette’, or ‘How to Get toHeaven or Hell without going through Dallas, Fort Worth.’  It’s thecigars that wrote these books.  It’s the cigar writing – that’s whatI blame.

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