From the Seattle Times, October 18, 2005, “Charge Filed In Connection With Man Who Died Having Horse Sex,”  by the Associated Press:

King County prosecutors have charged a man with trespassing in connection with an incident in which a friend was fatally injured having sex with a horse in Enumclaw.

James Michael Tait, 54, of Enumclaw, is accused of entering a barn without the owner's permission. If convicted he faces up to a year in jail and a $5,000 fine. . . . Officers were told that Tait entered a neighbor's barn last July in Enumclaw along with the man who died so that the latter could have sex with a horse, charging papers said. Tait was videotaping the episode when the man received internal injuries that led to his death. Officer (sic) were told that Tait, the man who died, and a third man sneaked into the barn repeatedly to have sex with horses, . . . The prosecutor's office says no animal cruelty charges were filed because there was no evidence of injury to the horses.”

It’s a very good thing for Mr. Tait that he wasn’t caught videotaping his friend horsing around with the equestrian species in a Washington restaurant, bar, tavern, casino, or bowling center. Such establishments currently permit smoking at the owner’s discretion under Washington’s Clean Indoor Air Act of 1985. Had Mr. Tait and his friends lit up and relaxed with a smoke in the barn or a bowling center after a bawdy round with their neighbor’s horse anti-tobacco activists surely could add animal cruelty charges. The animal cruelty charges would be filed based on alleging extreme risk to horses from Environmental Tobacco Smoke (ETS). After all, the Associated Press reports that “there was no evidence of injury to the horses” from being buggered by a neighbor, so the injury could only come from ETS.

Since horses can technically be construed as “workers” on ranches and farms operatives from the American Cancer Society and the American Lung Association could see also to it that the King County prosecutor added violation of worker safety regulations to the criminal complaint. Kinda puts Philip Morris’ Marlboro Man in a new light. Don’t even think about going near Joe Camel . . . good ‘ol Joe already reportedly has a complaint already drafted and just waiting for anyone who tries the same thing with him. The complaint apparently begins by pleading the case for $10 billion in damages for pain and suffering, as well as $5 billion more for emotional distress.

But, not to worry, should I-901 pass the horses – camels, too -- will finally be “protected” and therefore “safe.” All Washington workplaces – including barns -- will be under the “protection” of I-901.

Oops, forgot! Tribal lands are exempt. So much for I-901’s claim about “protecting all workers.” Mr. Tait and his erstwhile, randy companions will need to restrict themselves to fussin’ around with horses on tribal lands only. Well, that’s just a technicality, I-901 responds. We all know that tribes will voluntarily adopt smoking bans in barns to “Save the Horses,” they say. Based on today’s news about horses the Camel lobby has expressed its eternal gratitude that the U.S. Cavalry’s experiment with using them in America’s Southwest deserts failed about a hundred years ago.

Rumor has it that tribal leaders are preparing a press release to address the situation. Speculation from insiders close to the horses says the press release will headlined “Hey White Man, Lighten Up!” and lead text will say “You’ve screwed us for the past 100 years with treaties and now you want our horses, too!”

A better idea is to put this silliness to bed by voting “NO” on a proposed regulation that cannot and will not accomplish what it claims, Initiative to the People 901.

Perhaps voters in Washington will have the common sense to do to I-901 what the horse apparently did to a fellow engaged in nefarious activities around its backside: one swift back-kick from voters will finally put an end to those fussin’ with small business owners and consumers through intrusion with a fatally-flawed initiative.

Norman E. Kjono