Hairy Chestnuts and Pat Glass of "Freedom News" give us the "facts" in the manner of typical media sages in our blithering Healthist era.

European researchers report concern that fumes from exploding molotov cocktails may have similar health effects to those of environmental tobacco smoke; more study, however, is required; grants are now being accepted at all major research institutions. Peruvians are the victims of a Big Tobacco-sponsored meteor which has infected the innocents with what are believed to be radiations of interstellar environmental tobacco smoke; further study on the precise tobaccocicity of these entirely undetectable radiations, including analysis of the victims based on their recovered memories of exposure to extraterrestrial smokers during past lives or previous abductions by aliens, and a nested case-control comparison on those who were accompanied by Elvis on these journies, requires immediate funding. The tobacco companies, which admit their responsibility for the meteor as required by law, have requested public floggings of their boards of directors, but Action on Smoking and Health has criticized this plea as a typically evasive public relations move, suggesting instead that all industry employees, and their marionettes, such as their customers, be burned at the stake. The World Health Organization has endorsed this suggestion and included it as a requirement in its latest international tobacco control mandates. Animal rights activists have joined in the call for smoker eradication based on new evidence that subterranean penetration of environmental tobacco smoke is now endangering worm life. For similar reasons these activists are demanding that deceased smokers be disinterred and that their remains be displayed in grammar schools as a "good lesson" to the kiddoes of what happens to people who smoke. US presidential candidates John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama, have responded enthusiastically to all these antitobacco policy recommendations, and their campaigns have initiated policy groups to study the situation, for which donations are urgently solicited. All this and more, in today’s TV news, brought to you by Zoloft.

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