Patio heaters are being used to provide a semblance of comfort and dignity to persons who smoke. So …

With the advent of smoking bans has come a growth of outdoor seating areas at bars and restaurants, with outdoor "patio heaters," to keep these areas tolerable beyond the summer months. With that, naturally enough, antitobacco came to the conclusion that patio heaters will undoubtedly cause planet Earth to explode, so must be banned.

Proving the conclusion of his bosses is the job of epidemiologist extraordinaire Doctor Hairychestnuts. Although he mentions it would be easier to prove that patio heaters are the salvation of the planet, like any conscientious eugenicist son of a bitch, the doctor is well practiced in proving whatever produces pogrom progress.

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