Police shocks the cure for new disease

You might think that only the most news-weary and cynical of nihilists could have come up with this one, but believe it or not,

Canada’s RCMP are actually trying to put around that their recent trouble with tazers and dead citizens is actually not their problem at all. Instead, it is the result of a little known and medically unrecognized condition that they — the police– have stumbled upon, and which apparently responds well to the repeated use of police electrocution on unconsenting people. The disorder is called "excited dementia".

So concerned are the RCMP that this could be a life-threatening condition if left unTasered that they changed their policy to allow more Tasering when officers diagnose "excited demetia" in a member of the public with whom they come into contact. Thank goodness for quick medical response!

Watch for this: career-minded types in the medical community will scramble to get this "disorder" recognized. Big Pharma operatives will organize funds to create a "Friends of Excited Dementia" grassroots lobby that will demand drugs to control this dreaded affliction so that loved ones are not at risk of death when being therapeutically electrocuted by police. Meanwhile, we’ll all sleep better knowing that law enforcement is responding to the health crisis by generously offering treatment to any victims they encounter.

If we were betting folk, we’d make a bet on this: in the course of time, it will be discovered that Canadians of aboriginal descent are peculiarly vulnerble to the mystery illness. Indeed, in the spirit of the precautionary principle, and given that the fancifully-named "Tasers" tend to leave few marks on the patients to whom they are administered, we bet that aboriginal Canadians are already getting special, repeated treatments in small-town lockups all over the country. Especially in parts of the building where no security cameras are present, at the end of a hard-partying Saturday night. Come on, Canucks. Be honest. Does that sound cynical and improbable … or merely like business as usual?