Nothing screams post-adolescent horniness louder than a wet T-shirt contest.

Launched in the 70’s by, as so much else, the gay community, which can always be trusted to get to the meat of things first, the bar room entertainment began as jockey short contests among nubile boys, progressing soon into wet jockey short contests, the better to see the package beneath the fabric. Before long straight young men embraced the salacious nonsense, substituting the boys with curvaceous young women in sheer T-shirts. The buckets of water were retained.

Deplored by prudes from both left and right, although for differing reasons, the wet T-shirt contest survived attacks because nothing says good business more than catering to unmarried, libidinous men with dollars to burn. Now the biggest prude of them all, Big Health, has, at least in England, managed to put a damper on it by, you guessed it, turning the fun into a health risk. As we know by now, no health risk, no matter how minor (or nonexistent) must be allowed to escape the attention of those whose job it is to protect the dumb public from hurting itself.

"There are a lot of risks involved with the amount of water used," says a flack from the Health and Safety Executive. Risks such as pneumonia, falls due to slippery surfaces, broken glass from drinks dropped by lust crazed onlookers. Big Health never lacks for lists of catastrophes waiting to erupt whenever the people have fun. Already some events have been canceled. The pub crowd is outraged, just as they were when smoking was banned. Maybe libido extinguished by Big Sister’s officiousness will ignite a rebellion, one that is long overdue.



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