The primary purpose of the anti-tobacco industry is to throw business towards the pharmaceutical industry. As it becomes more obvious that Big Pharma’s smoking cessation devices are worthless, if not dangerous, Malaysia advances stop-smoking tactics to a new level. When a Malaysian man and his wife confided to their relatives that they just couldn’t stop smoking the concerned family devised a program that converted the couple from intransigent smokers to a pair of non-smokers, free forever from the coils of addiction and immune from a self-destructive descent into certain, and painful, death. The ex-smokers could finally breath free except that they are now both dead.

Rather than ineffective patches, gums and inhalers, the couple achieved smoke-free Nirvana by being ritualistically beaten to death. Several family members who joined in the cessation melee were seriously injured but no one can deny that the program was 100 percent effective. We breathlessly await the World Health Organization’s global proclamation for decisive action that reduced the tobacco holocaust by two. We eagerly anticipate grant junkies everywhere to pronounce the bludgeoning cessation method "interesting" and worthy of further studies.

We are convinced that the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the enormously rich pharmaceutical front group that finances every "grass root" anti-smoking group, buys smoking bans and promotes every anti-smoking "denormalization" campaign, will incorporate the Malaysian Solution into its grab bag of anti-tobacco tricks. Scratch that. The Malaysian stop-smoking method, while brutal, crude and violent, just as anti-tobacco prefers, is too darn effective for Big Drugs to endorse. Far better for the couple to be life-long consumers of lousy cessation devices. For the true-believing fanatics in Public Health, however, ritual beating, even to death, is just what smokers deserve.



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